Fisherman's Dream
by WSFic
Summary: Having faced the humiliating consequences of Yumichika's shikai, Shuuhei seeks retaliation. The proper revenge is served cold, but... the recipe has evolved. ShuuxYumi, with RenxBya on the background.
1. The Consequences

**1.The Consequences**

**1.1**

Hisagi Shuuhei had given himself twenty minutes to stop moping. Then he would get up, go home, and sleep it off. Nothing more. He could do it. He was neither in love with a traitor, nor in coma _and_ in love with a traitor. His captain, or should he say his ex-captain, was a professional who left nothing funny to detonate in his stupid head. He should take it as a gift and be grateful. And with some luck, the glorious bullshit about the path of justice would stop bugging him. Eventually.

It was a mistake to be here, trying to drink himself senseless in the pitiful company of Kira who couldn't stop wallowing in his guilt, and Matsumoto, exuberant to a fault. That was before they passed out leaving him alone with his uneasy thoughts. He should have taken Iba's offer instead, Iba's presence never made things worse.

Captain Hitsugaya's reiatsu filled the room interrupting his pathetic inner monologue. Strange, but right now Shuuhei expected him to be in the Fourth, holding the hand of comatose Hinamori. Instead, Hitsugaya kneeled next to Matsumoto and sighed quite audibly. Shuuhei guessed it was time for another scolding. He guessed wrong.

"Taichou..." She uttered a few sobs. "I've been missing you..."

"Stupid," Hitsugaya whispered with matching tenderness. Big news. Huge. Matsumoto was not in love with Ichimaru like everyone traditionally assumed. She still cared, that was obvious, but from the distance.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou."

Frozen in Hitsugaya's voice, was a sure promise to unleash Hyourinmaru, if Shuuhei ever felt like talking too much. At the same time, the bragging notes were just as strong as threatening ones. The secret was out, and making someone jealous was the least Hitsugaya could do. Naturally, trapped in a kid's body, Shuuhei would probably be pissed all the time as well. Perhaps later Hitsugaya might even have his sympathies, but for the time being Shuuhei couldn't ignore either of the messages. It was just another annoying power game and Hitsugaya believed Matsumoto was a trump card. This time the game was easy, all he had to do was to open his eyes, sit up, and say something. Anything.

"Hitsugaya-taichou?" he returned with genuine apathy.

Watching Hitsugaya picking up his plastered and giggling trophy, a weightless feather she'd never been, and leaving, Shuuhei peered inside himself again. His first reaction was true, he couldn't find a single trace of jealousy. That brought him back to the topic he'd been carefully avoiding for the last three days. His handy and very much socially acceptable – just don't tell Shiro-chan – crush on Matsumoto got erased magically like it was never present. And he could no longer ignore the hard reasons suggesting the crush replacement.

_Could it get any worse?_

He stood up and looked at sleeping Kira. "We'll be all right too," he said, accepting they were far from it.

It turned out Kira was awake. "You know, I figured it all. If only people could leave me alone for a few weeks... I don't think I can stomach this being in the same boat sort of understanding. You know…"

_Shed the reminders first, right?_

He knew, but so what? They had to survive somehow, dig up a hole, hide there, and wait for the storm to pass. He appreciated Kira's honesty. Tried to. Failed.

"I see."

**1.2 **

Waiting for his mind to return, Yumichika was desperately shifting between random subjects unable to hold on to any, but his weird encounter with Hisagi Shuuhei. And weird wouldn't even begin to describe it. Needless to mention he could have gotten that overconfident prick using nothing more but old and dirty Zaraki signature style attacks, or at least could have held him off indefinitely. The key word was dirty. The dumpster had been still fresh and stinky on his mind, so he went for real shikai and had no regrets about it. What regrets? Fujikujaku marvelously erased Hisagi's aplomb. Literally licked it up, all of it. How many times? Why would he count? Yumichika had to change afterwards, but that outcome was almost expected. Expected midway doesn't count as expected, does it? What else could he expect from sex? Now, why did it turn to sex? Because it was? Could he squeeze in the consensual clause too? Consensual midway doesn't count as... Even if he did better than midway. Much better.

It. Was. Not. Sex. Period.

"That schedule you're trying to work on, Yumichika, must be really something special. But if you crush the cup you're clenching now, I'd hate it. Was a gift, you know."

"Ah?" Yumichika twitched. The cup was safe, but the paperwork wasn't. At least it wasn't hot. What wasn't?

When he finally focused, Ikkaku explained, "You've been panting."

"What?" Yumichika promptly forgot all about the spilled water. "For how long?"

Ikkaku flipped through his own reports, "Three pages. And a half."

"Shit."

Talking to Ikkaku grounded Yumichika just enough to let him finally sort the mess in his head. That fight had been wrong no matter how he looked at it. His shikai was quite complex, true, but he was supposed to get back ready to use reiatsu. Instead, too many personal flavors managed to sneak along with it. Encouraged by the introduction he got carried away, discarded the familiar routine, and made it even more personal. He was slurping the reiatsu and whatever was coming along with it like there was no tomorrow. And now... What now? When was the last time he wanted to fuck anyone twice?

Marvelous. Could he just walk down to the Ninth and ask?

Why not? He was not alone to enjoy it. The rest would be plain and simple, Hisagi would make the typical turn off mistake that nearly everyone else was making, namely leaving Yumichika hanging, and he'd be off the hook. Like always. The world they lived in was a very selfish one and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

But even in a selfish world some things could not be explained rationally. For instance, why this incident had happened in the first place. To his dismay this main question remained unanswered, Fujikujaku, the only one who might have known, or, better, really knew something, didn't feel like spilling any clues. Yumichika went all the way through the flowery meadow of his bright inner world just to watch the shaking belly of his zanpakutou. Damn peacock rocked with laughter in the most humiliating way possible.

_Traitor!_

**1.3**

"It was such a shock for all of us, but it must've been really hard on you. I never trust people whose eyes I cannot see..."

"I can't believe Hitsugaya-taichou recovered so fast. Hinamori-kun is still in coma, poor girl…"

"She adores her captain. I mean it's only natural, right? I adore mine even if he never notices my existence. It must be so different for you..."

"This was so cruel, so cruel... I'd never be able to get over if this happened to me..."

"I thought Matsumoto-fukutaichou would join Ichimaru-taichou…"

"Have you seen Kira-kun? I couldn't find him anywhere. Do you think they'd reinstate him?"

"It was really, really nice talking to you..."

He swore that the next sympathetic asshole would go back to the living one way. Then they would lock him up and everything would be over. Right. Like hell it would. Shuuhei made up a few lines about poor Hisagi-kun having a major breakdown and cursed his twisted luck. There was nothing wrong with these idiots. They were just talking like always. It was him who was a mess. Taking a stroll around Seireitei was just as much a mistake, as the yesterday's sorry party. The streets were filled with the idiots torn between pity and curiosity. They couldn't decide on the spot whether they should flee in panic before he might make an embarrassing scene in front of them, or keep fishing for information.

And the growing awareness of being watched was not helping at all. Shuuhei slowly walked around the same block twice, then suddenly flashstepped back. Now he could see his spy was shaking his head in confusion in plain view, and a shiver, not entirely unpleasant, shot up his spine. All his instincts were telling him to run, run fast, and he hated himself when their eyes met and he couldn't even do as much as turn away. Five seconds felt like twenty, and then _he_ flashed out. Ayasegawa Yumichika, the fifth seat of the Eleventh division, left without saying whatever he was going to say. Shuuhei regretted immediately. Ayasegawa wasn't going to say any polite crap like everyone else.

_Wanna know? Should've listened, stupid._

He was trying to suppress the memory of that incident, unable even to classify it. "I don't remember", he had told the nameless boy down in the Fourth who never took his eyes off his forms. Anyone would have lied.

_The incident _had started quite ordinary, but then their even chances were set off by Ayasegawa's hesitation and he saw the opening. Then Ayasegawa turned tables. Did he hesitate on purpose, so he could have an excuse to use that weird shikai? It was plausible. That green vine zanpakutou wasn't just a mindless reiatsu collector, it was hitting all the right places, and the bastard was clearly enjoying every second of that sensual feast. Now it was impossible to tell to what extent it was controlled or even whether Ayasegawa's parting treat was deliberate or accidental. Either way it was humiliating.

_That's what you get for being nice and skipping the finishing blow. _

"Don't tell Ikkaku..." What a sick joke. Sure, that's exactly what he had been planning to do. And if he threw in the consequences that screwed up his cozy fantasy world beyond repair, his story would become a major hit. He would have to tell it only once. At the back of his mind, imaginary Tousen – and let his keen sense of smell be damned – sneered just the way he had sneered farewell at the execution grounds.

_That's what traitors do. _

As a last resort, he tried to talk things over with his zanpakutou. "Relax, kid," he was told, "You could've won, if you weren't so ready to die happily from Fujiiro's tricks. Was it really to die for? Huh?" And then the damned thing purred.

Everything in this world had limits. Only humiliation had none.

**1.4**

Yumichika was following Hisagi for a while, watching. No one bothered him, for his reputation had been created with care to limit any undesired encounters. On the other hand, Hisagi was attacked by hungry retards on each and every corner and his anger was boiling up fast. Why would Hisagi read so deep into them at all? There was no need to check out their ugly inferior motives. Retards were to be accepted with indifference, as an inevitable evil. Accepted and forgotten. On the spot.

Yumichika figured it fast, it was Fujikujaku who messed up Hisagi's sensors, alerting them to the fine details, and making Hisagi able to catch subtleties he would have missed only a week ago.

In other words, it was in Yumichika's power to make a person more perceptive, and perhaps even smarter. At the moment Yumichika was proud, once again his brilliance offered him a whole new world of breathtaking opportunities. He was good, extremely so, a genius. Then Hisagi disappeared from the view, busted his surveillance, and he couldn't utter a single word. So much for the brilliance. The resentment Yumichika saw in those eyes was on the entirely different scale comparing to the mild irritation that was there a while back, and it felt like a major blow. Of course, he obviously wasn't white noise any longer, but he had never expected to be regarded as an enemy. Not like that.

_That's what you get for being nice and considerate when you don't really have to._

Confused, Yumichika flashstepped all the way to the Eleventh. In a futile attempt to clear his mind, he volunteered to run the drills and spars. Spars tempted him, he wanted to try his shikai again just to see what would happen. But that much he knew, nothing. He was not interested in nothing. Yet, the temptation wouldn't let go, and he had to cut the training session short and return to the office.

"I don't get it... at all."

"What? He told you to take a hike? It's not the dead fish, huh? One more Kuchiki drooler around and I'm taking hostages. I mean it!"

"Do I look like an idiot?"

Ikkaku pushed his work aside and looked back at him, taking his time. "To be honest, Yumi, you do. I was kidding."

Yumichika ignored him, leaning back on his chair and concentrating on the ceiling cracks. Something wasn't right.

"No way..."

"You've done it."

"Watch it! I never told you to take a hike, I said, 'Hands off, fucker'. That's different."

"He never told me to take a hike either."

"Then you still have a chance."

"Really? What made you change your mind?" Yumichika's seductive voice turned into a burst of laughter as all the sweaty details of that delicate hands-off moment kicked in. He was glad though he hadn't been serious then, and over the years the incident had become a happy memory.

"Asshole!"

For both of them.

Ikkaku made a good point, the words hadn't been exchanged. There was a chance that he misunderstood the murderous intent that had flashed in Hisagi's eyes. Murderous intents were ice cold, and Hisagi radiated heat. In a similar way Zaraki-taichou would turn into a power plant as soon as he smelled a worthy opponent.

That was a lead Yumichika could use. He would just give Hisagi a chance to retaliate and things would start rolling in no time.

"Did you say Kuchiki, Ikkaku?"

"Huh?"

"Excellent thinking! Do you need anything from the Sixth?"

The bewildered look on Ikkaku's face was still there, when Yumichika came back four hours later.

**1.5**

Captain Kuchiki sorted the invoices, reports, and schedules on his desk into two folders. Then, in one fluid motion, he sent the thicker folder across the table towards his lieutenant. These had to be redone. The folder hit Renji's chest and continued its flight towards the door.

"Abarai-fukutaichou, they do have meetings in the Eleventh division, don't they?" he asked after the folder and all its contents had been safely recovered from the floor.

"You mean like the monthly birthday parties, taichou? I wonder what they gonna get me this time," grinned Renji.

Captain Kuchiki wondered whether his lieutenant was challenged mentally, or it was the demonstration of his sense of humor. Either way he was light years away from being impressed.

"If you cannot keep up with the regular workflow, you should have remained there," he said softly, as if he was talking to a small child. "Your bankai means nothing, if your attention span cannot take you through the simple daily routine."

_Is it entertaining enough only when sakura petals fly in your face?_

He could not pinpoint the exact reason why Renji's daydreaming irritated him so much. There was no valid reason to put up with it either. They could find someone else to be his second, couldn't they? He remembered the day they had spent with the general discussing the candidates. Yamamoto-soutaichou tried to push another weirdo of Zaraki, but mentioned that Kuchiki would have to go and do all the convincing himself. The mere idea of going to the Eleventh and ask for anything was on the far side of ridiculous. He heard that Ukitake actually had tried winning the guy over, but all his offers had been politely declined. Of course, Ukitake always went beyond reasonable. But he didn't need Ukitake to understand the point Yamamoto had been trying to convey. He shouldn't take anybody for granted, including his brainless lieutenant. He was in the position to know the personnel layout and the transfer rates. Ukitake always had zero transfer out requests and that was the reason he placed Rukia there. It was not like the Sixth division was a sinking ship, and it was not like they had a popularity contest here. There was nothing to worry about. Renji's bankai and three open captain positions meant nothing either.

Nothing at all.

"Dismissed."

Coincidentally, Zaraki's weirdo was hanging around in the hall looking like a hungry hound that just caught the scent of its prey.

And Captain Kuchiki wondered once again what it might have been like, if things turned out the other way. Having the paperwork done perfectly and timely was not enough to offset the inconvenience to look at someone who he so irrationally disliked.

_I don't like his measuring glances, I don't like his voice, and I don't like his commanding attitude. _

Looking in the direction of the scum that was now ordering his lieutenant around in the middle of his own division was completely unnecessary. Had it ever occurred to both of them that Renji was no longer in the Eleventh?

The day continued its smooth downhill slide when Captain Kuchiki found his folder left in the hall unattended. Renji was nowhere to be found for three hours. It was not like he had been really looking, but this sort of irresponsible behavior was unacceptable. He would not tolerate that. So when Renji finally showed up, smelling fresh out of the onsen, it was only his obligation to issue a proper reprimand.

Nothing more.

"Private matters should be addressed while you are off duty…" he stopped mid-sentence, because Renji was blushing.

"Understood."

_Is this what I think it is?_

Renji clearly had too much free time to waste and it was in his power to change that. Perhaps, it would be beneficial to send him somewhere far from the questionable influence. And after Renji disobeyed a few orders, no one on his right mind would even consider him for promotion. For a second, Captain Kuchiki felt ashamed, but then his thoughts suddenly took a new twist.

_When exactly had Abarai-fukutaichou become Renji to me?_

Rukia. Rukia must have been the one directly responsible for this little shift. She had fallen for that insolent clone of Kaien so hard, that all she could talk about was Renji. Renji this, Renji that. Did she have the slightest idea how transparent that was? It was not even amusing. But at least, his concerns were properly explained. Considering what they all had gone through over the last month, it was only natural for him to pick up the habit.

There was absolutely nothing to be anxious about. Nothing whatsoever.


	2. The Deal

**2. The Deal**

**2.1**

Working was supposed to make him feel better. It didn't. Meshed reiatsu of his subordinates stunk of despair, and he had nothing encouraging to say. Just to do something Shuuhei took one of the old shinigami ways of fixing problems and ordered fancy food for the whole division. He was going to file it later under the recreational expenses and the pesky girls from the Gotei 13 budget committee wouldn't say a word. He was free from the need to follow Tousen's cheapskate strategies and, after a brief consideration, he ordered alcohol as well. He would never get close to the Eleventh division's alcohol spendings, so no one would care anyway. To his surprise the cloud of gloom shrunk a bit, but his own problems laughed at his lame efforts.

Shuuhei had two. They were fighting inside his head for the territory, while he was trying to push both of them out. "You can't do it, you know," Yumichika-in-his-head told him. "You," he pointed at Tousen-in-his-head, "Fuck off." After that friendly prelude, Tousen-in-his-head, and his justice-honor-duty mantra, complied, leaving him alone with Yumichika's intrusion. Someday, he might forgive _the incident_, even if it were a planned one, but not Yumichika's casual move into his thoughts. And he wouldn't even go into the highly disturbing and infuriating circumstances under which Yumichika discarded his family name on the day before.

He stood under the cold shower until he felt nothing. Blissful numbness lasted while he walked through his division, quiet in the evening, but when he reached his office, his anger promptly kicked back doubled. He couldn't recall sending any invitations, but Yumichika was sitting in one of the visitor chairs and his feet were up on the other one. The bastard entertained himself folding a piece of paper.

"Couldn't you wait outside?"

"Don't keep your windows open. Why would I wait outside, if I can get in?"

He could swear the windows were closed.

"Because it's my office."

"Oh." Yumichika shifted the attention back to the paper in his hands. "You might be right, one is not supposed to come inside, it's considered rather impolite, but occasionally that happens. My apologies."

Shuuhei stared. These were not apologies.

"Whatever you're thinking now is a bad idea," added Yumichika.

"Is that so?"

"Uncontrolled violence leads to regrettable accidents. I'm not interested in accidents and you're in no condition to be nice."

Shuuhei thought that his attempt to grab Yumichika's hair and smash his head against the desk edge would have been blocked and taking the circumstances into account they might end up on the floor having an accident. His own mind and body conspired against him, but if he couldn't trust them, whom in the whole world could he trust? "Expect trust issues," he had been told in the Forth. "It's normal." Right, it was just as normal as this feathered thing in front of him.

"And what are you interested in? Setups?"

Yumichika's reiatsu jumped to the full battle mode then gradually dropped. Shuuhei could nearly hear the countdown. He got it right, it had been a setup from the very beginning.

"See, you're not nice."

"Being nice to you is the last thing on the list of my priorities." He went around the desk and took his own chair. At least he was still able to be three steps ahead of the events. Good. "So, why are you here, Yumichika?" he asked and froze realizing his slip. For a split second he hoped it would go unnoticed, but the bastard's smug smile, that appeared as if a switch had been flipped, crushed that hope.

"I'm curious why you don't want a rematch."

As long as it was not about the name, he could deal with it. "Should I?"

"It's obvious." Yumichika finished folding his origami and was bouncing a paper ball from one hand to the other. "I don't want to appear overly critical, but even though I made it to the list of your priorities, your life is still boring."

"Huh?"

"This used to be your to do list. I read it."

He caught the ball flying across the table towards his head on reflex. Now it was his turn to shoot angry reiatsu up the sky and bring in back under control, regretting he hadn't taken the head-smashing route.

"I want to smash your head against the desk edge a few times and see a pool of blood. How is that for a new entry?"

Yumichika beamed back. "Marvelous! I accept!"

"What?"

"After some minor editing your offer will become quite feasible."

"_My_ offer? Feasible?" The words of his zanpakutou came to his mind and the whole crazy idea suddenly became feasible indeed. At the very least it would get him _something_ to do.

"Feasible." Yumichika repeated with conviction, getting up and heading for the door. "See you tomorrow."

He still could back off from this dare, couldn't he? Sure, he could always surrender to his weakness, become an easy target, and kiss his self-esteem good bye. Yumichika caught him good. Well, the sneaky bastard was going to regret it very much. He threw the paper ball Yumichika had folded into the wastebasket.

Then he had second thoughts. He would keep the ball for the time being as a reminder for his resolve.

_How the hell did he make this stupid thing anyway?_

**2.2**

Yumichika didn't go far, he stopped at Hitsugaya's pond in front of the Tenth division. The day was almost over and he wanted to sort his loot. He spread the writing samples he had pocketed on the bench and made a quick comparison. The contents was of no interest, the handwriting was. Then he held the fan of reports in front of him.

"What a mess. Can anyone explain what makes it my problem?" His improvised fan had no answer. He was lucky Shuuhei hadn't thrown him out of the window without listening to a single word. "I thought so. Well, forgive me for interrupting your suffering."

Yumichika folded the stolen reports together. The confident guy who wrote them no longer than two weeks ago would have been much easier to get. He would have never called Yumichika by name, being so sweetly mortified by that. He might have gone as far as to push Yumichika against the wall on the very next day demanding the answers. And the lack of complexity would have been so off-putting that the mere thought of it was making him yawn.

"Three days," he promised, addressing the pond. There was no reason to rush, and he was kind enough to recognize Shuuhei's need to sulk. "Then he'll be all mine," he informed the sun setting behind the roofs.

In the Eleventh division executive party room Yachiru and Ikkaku were playing go. Usually Yumichika would at least look at the board to check who's winning, but this time he took his own futon out of the wall closet, threw it on the floor next to Ikkaku's, and collapsed on top of it.

"What a day!"

"You look good." A second later Yachiru was tickling Yumichika's ribs, making him to turn and face her. "You look good," she repeated. "Have you done anything bad?"

"Let's see... Breaking and entering. Perlustration. Theft. Then I was caught."

"WOW! You've been a really bad boy." Yachiru's brows went up as she felt that her target tickling spots were protected by papers. "But Yumi, why did you want to get caught?"

"Well, I had to do the interrogation too." He pressed a finger to her nose, "Beep."

Yachiru laughed.

Ikkaku frowned. "I woulda beaten your shiny ass black and blue. Does anything you preach about privacy ever apply to you?"

"Sure. I'm not sharing my findings with you, for instance." Yumichika innocently smiled back. "So everything private remains perfectly private."

"Asshole!" That was all Ikkaku had to say to him for now. "Yachiru, you drop the game, you lose the game."

She reluctantly let go of Yumichika's clothes and went back to the board.

Ikkaku was annoyingly quiet for the rest of the evening, and after Zaraki finally retrieved Yachiru for their sweet good night ritual, he settled back on his futon and pressed for the answers.

"He told you to take a hike, right? Finally someone smart enough."

"Quite the opposite. He made an offer I couldn't possibly refuse. Not in a million years."

"Yeah, I know these offers. I say I might grab a bite and next thing I know I'm feeding you in the most fancy place around."

"You don't really expect me to poison myself at some rundown ramen stand, do you?"

"Ramen stands save lives!"

"Alcoholic!"

"Asshole! So it was good?"

"Yep. He sniffed, and I only counted these long honest sniffs, at least five times, like I was..." Yumichika paused, trying to nail down the right image.

Ikkaku raised a brow. "A daisy?"

Mentioning a daisy could get Ikkaku either a wet kiss or an elbow in the ribs. Not this time.

"Food," Yumichika giggled and his giggles smoothly continued into hysterical laughter. Ikkaku had been thinking about food way too much.

"You're losing screws faster than you flash. Who's the fucker? They're gonna lock you up down in the Fourth and I'll have to kill someone for a warm up."

"I think your answers will show up tomorrow." Yumichika managed to say between laughs and rolled over to Ikkaku's side. "But then again, they might not," he added deviously.

"Just don't start kissing me, save them, will you?"

"Good thinking, Ikkaku!" Yumichika was generous. "I'm impressed."

"Hey, can I guess?"

**2.3**

Shuuhei saw Ikkaku as soon as he entered the Eleventh division main courtyard. Ikkaku was relaxing on the gallery floor, enjoying the sunshine and doing absolutely nothing. Work? What work? Well, he was not working either.

"Hey, Hisagi, business or pleasure?" Ikkaku yawned, stretched, and moved to the shadows.

Shuuhei was not surprised by the question. They met each other quite frequently at the quarterly budget meetings that without the two of them might look like a subset of the Women Shinigami Association. It was that sort of a bonding experience that required an immediate alcohol fix as soon as the meetings were over. Most of the times Ikkaku was getting his guts chewed by the pretty dragons for improper funds allocation as they put it. "You're stuck with me, girls," Ikkaku roared back. "Taichou wouldn't do it, fukutaichou can live without more sugar, and you'd be out of your minds, if you wanna see Yumichika spending three monthly division budgets in one day _again_." The dragons were pacified automagically until the next meeting. But when Shuuhei asked later how it was possible to spend that much money in one day, Ikkaku, sloshed as he was, refused to let him in on the division secret.

Naturally, Ikkaku had all the reasons to assume he came to talk business.

"Yumichika."

"Yumichika? Fuck! I coulda figured it!" Ikkaku slammed both fists into the floor. Hard. "It coulda never been the Sixth! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! One day I'm gonna wring his skinny neck! I swear I will! Someday."

"Huh?"

Ikkaku got to his feet, shook the non-existing dust off and did his best to look formal. "I want a favor from you," he said in a low voice.

"A favor?"

"Couldn't hear it the first time?" Ikkaku's formality was short living, but making a point took precedence. "Anyway. Try not to lose too fast, that's it. I mean, I'm not asking for a week, I'm being reasonable here. Five days, huh?"

"What? That's the favor? I've got no intention to lose, I'll beat him and that will be the end of it. Nothing to be so excited about."

"Well, if you say so, then of course. Good luck." Ikkaku sighed and pointed at the entrance, "Follow the orange line."

Shuuhei did as he was told, he followed a thick, but worn out orange line painted on the floor. Small marks on both sides of the line indicated the direction. When he walked through the whole division to the end of it, he saw Yumichika and Ikkaku's office with the door wide open in front of him and the main entrance to his right.

Inside, Yumichika was struggling to close the window with one hand. In the other hand he was holding a large steaming teapot.

"What the hell is this orange line?" Shuuhei asked. Skipping the greetings was becoming a tradition.

"That's Ikkaku's optimal path to this room. He walks it every morning," explained Yumichika after the window had been defeated, motioning Shuuhei in and closing the door. "With all the stops, he makes it in about twenty six minutes, as opposed to four minutes and forty seconds that you spent. You took a shortcut."

_All pranksters go to hell. Someday._

"Ikkaku's path was so optimal, it crossed itself," he said with all the sarcasm he could summon.

"Oh, right. Obviously, Ikkaku cannot visit the bathroom while carrying our breakfast. Have you noticed other lines?" Yumichika asked, pouring the tea for both of them. "If you know the color code, you can reach all the major destinations fast, even if you're brain dead. Have a cookie."

Shuuhei took a cookie and looked around the office. It was not any messier than his own, but it felt more like a home. Flowers, maps, pictures on the walls that were telling him the division's story, a comfy couch. A warm and cozy place to be in. Too warm to stay focused for long.

"And what color is your line?"

"I don't walk these lines, I decide where to draw them."

Yumichika's cheerful arrogance reminded him the purpose of his visit. Shuuhei was here not for the tea and cookies, though he had to admit the cookies were good. Too good.

"I want to beat your shikai."

"What? My shikai?"

Shuuhei spend a good part of the night, figuring out Yumichika's shikai. Weird sensations aside, it was still a kidou trick. Even if he had failed to solve it in real time, he could dissect it, analyze every part just the way they teach in the Academy, and come up with the right answers. Well, at least with some of them.

"I mean no offence, but that non-kidou of yours was short of..." he paused, pretending to search his mind for a better word. "Boring," he finished.

"I find the process extremely invigorating, of course, but you're a hundred years too early."

"If you back off, I won't hold it against you," Shuuhei said mildly and smiled. "Well, that was an easy one," he added when Yumichika failed to produce an answer within ten seconds. Then he put the cup on the desk, "Thanks for the tea, it was delicious."

At the moment Shuuhei honestly believed that if he were to get up and leave, Yumichika and his empty threats would leave his mind just as easily. His disappointment would send this guy that took residence in his head flying across the sky into nothingness where he belonged.

Just like that. Easy.

"Very well," Yumichika said slowly. "You get sick of trying and stop, and the victory is mine."

"Deal."

Yumichka put his own cup next to Shuuhei's and continued, "I'm glad you like it, it's Kuchiki's best."

"How did you get it?"

"Renji lost a bet."

"I'm asking why it was hot when I got here."

"Ikkaku lost a bet."

It was decided. He wouldn't bet with Yumichika to save his life. Never. To be absolutely sure, Shuuhei swore twice and only then let himself to break eye contact. He looked up at the ridiculous feathers, noted the extra effort applied to the hair, and reached for another cookie.

The cookies were damn fine.

**2.4**

The worst thing about the whole Aizen's incident was the drastic change in everyone Iba had known for years, from his current captain to his old captain. Captain Zaraki ran around faster than Yachiru, spilling his excited reiatsu all over the city, scaring everyone. On the other side of Seireitei, Captain Komamura spent his days between staring into space and ranting. For a couple of times Hisagi joined Komamura at the grave of Tousen's friend and they stared into space together. To Hisagi's credit he was not beyond staying clear of Komamura, but for Iba it was not an option. He was so fed up with the rant and staring that he almost envied Hisagi for being left alone. It was not a problem, he reminded himself, it was a minor inconvenience and eventually everyone would be back to normal.

Iba knew what to do with minor inconveniences.

His first drinking buddy of choice looked panicked when he saw Iba at his door. Just out of curiosity Iba waited for at least half a minute before Renji noticed him.

"Can't talk right now, can't go anywhere, got work to do," Renji twittered, repeatedly blinking. "He's... he's..." Renji pointed in the direction of his captain's office and lowered his voice so that Iba could barely hear him. "I thought we were getting along okay while at the Fourth, but now it's hell. I think he's looking for a chance to get rid of me..."

"Umm..."

He found his second drinking buddy in the Eleventh division executive party room, cross-eyed.

"Not today, man, I'm busy." Ikkaku didn't even turn his head upon realizing he wasn't alone.

"You don't look too busy."

"I'm thinking, okay?"

"Umm..."

It must have been truly the end of the world waiting around the corner, if Ikkaku was busy thinking. Usually, Yumichika did all the thinking and Ikkaku took care of the bills. Speaking of the devil, Yumichika was having fun harassing subordinates right around the corner, in the courtyard.

"Iba-kun! I've been missing you so much," sang Yumichika, flashstepping down to Iba. "Wanted to get drunk tonight and Ikkaku refused your advances? Don't hold a grudge against him, he had a stressful revelation this morning. Can I go with you instead? I'll behave. Maybe."

Imagining what would happen if he brought Yumichika along, glowing like Yachiru who's just sliced a hollow without dropping any candies out of the pockets, was disturbing. Chances were Hisagi would never speak to him again. Who would?

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'd better drink home alone and in the dark."

"Come on, it will be fun. Scared that I'd embarrass you? But of course, that's why it will be so much fun. I promise."

At least, Yumichika was not embarrassing him right now, for the courtyard miraculously emptied as soon as Yumichika switched his attention to Iba. No spectators, no embarrassment. Sort of.

"What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

"You are so tense, Iba, it's painful to watch. You should really find someone to work on your muscle knots. How about a bet?"

"I said, forget it."

The last lost bet led to the drinking contest, and he had no recollection of the events that caused him to wake up in Renji's bed. That was frustrating. Luckily, Renji was still out unconscious and that was the only reason why Yumichika escaped painful death. Sure, everyone was stoned, but what if it hadn't been _Renji's_ bed? Yeah, dream on.

Yumichika's laughter was more disturbing than usual, but while walking towards the Ninth, Iba considered the annoying spacing out problem again. Maybe he should have taken Yumichika along. Yumichika's jokes were damn funny when they were directed at someone else.

His third drinking buddy was holding admirably through the most of the evening.

"Thanks for not mentioning any recent shit. Everyone else just can't shut up about it. Well, almost everyone."

"We don't talk shit. We beat it out or drown it in sake." Iba waived the cup where all the shit of the world can be supposedly drown in front of Hisagi's nose. Hisagi still looked unconvinced. "Once the Eleventh, always the Eleventh," added Iba. It always explained everything, too bad one had actually _be_ the Eleventh to get it.

Hisagi rolled his eyes, reciting, "I'm not the Eleventh, I won't get it. I've heard it all."

Less booze and Iba would agree, more booze and Iba wouldn't care, just enough and Iba felt like talking. "Listen, shit happens, we live on, that's good enough. What else do you need?"

"Right."

Right. Sidewalk pebbles were more receptive. Damn. He was not cut out for the talks like this. He watched Hisagi twitching and then trying to reach his own back and fix something there. "Fell asleep in a chair yesterday," Hisagi explained.

"Maybe you need..." and Iba stopped, realizing what was wrong with Yumichika's words. Usually Yumichika would offer a back rub, but this time he advised to go and find someone else. Iba had always thought it was not to be taken seriously, so he never had. And now it was not there any longer, withdrawn. Just like that, go and find someone else. Shit. Was there ever a real offer?

Iba couldn't tell.

"Hey, I could hook you up with a chick who's way hotter than Matsumoto. Huh? Wanna steady girlfriend? Well, she's got friends that are actually nice..."

"Spare me, would you?"

For some time they drank in silence. Perhaps he shouldn't have brought up Matsumoto, even when panicked.

"I was told once that 99 percent of all problems can be solved with sex, alcohol, and controlled violence. The trick is to figure out the right mixture of the three."

"What happens to the remaining one?"

"It's preposterous to assume that your problems fall into the remaining one."

"_Preposterous?_"

"That's what I was told. Anyway, man, this shit really works." Iba slammed his bottle against the table. He finally spotted a spec of interest in Hisagi's eyes and felt like he was finally taking the right road. "Wanna example?" And Iba, having all the encouragement he needed, continued on. "A week ago. You think I was thrilled to stand up to Ikkaku? You think he liked it any better? So we added booze to the mix. And while Yumichika was fucking you, we fought and drank, then fought again and then drank some more. And when the shit cleared up, we didn't have to kill each other any longer. Got it? It doesn't mean we held back though, but that's different. I know he woulda... are you fucking listening?"

"He didn't fuck me... I think."

Iba thought it was time for more sake.


	3. The Expectations

**3. The Expectations**

**3.1**

"I'll be damned," Shuuhei said, looking at the sun, the blue sky and a few small clouds floating aimlessly. They were deep below the surface level and the sun was just as fake as everything else.

"Like it, huh? It used to be Urahara's private retreat. Renji hinted it existed, so I traded this best kept secret in Seireitei out of him. You could say we exchanged favors," Yumichika explained as if he was securing bargains like that every other day.

"When did you get it?"

"Two days ago. I had a hunch I might need it."

What he really needed was privacy, and in Seireitei there was nothing more expensive. The idea of showing off the extended features of his zanpakutou somewhere at the back of either of their divisions was the next best one after having sex in a public restroom. And while he was still on the sex topic, Yumichika wouldn't even begin to imagine the desperation required to consider using Urahara's retreat for that purpose. Totally, totally ridiculous.

Yumichika's rules were simple.

"I get in, assault all the receptors you've got one way or another, and get out, taking some of your reiatsu along."

"Uh-uh."

"There's a nice part that you're already intimately familiar with, and not so nice, but equally stimulating part that I'm not going to show you, because I'd feel like I'm cheating. I mean, every idiot can fight something he doesn't _like_." Yumichika bit back his ready to slip remark about Hinamori-kun being the prime example of an idiot that had fallen into this trap. Mentioning Hinamori in any context would have been a highly insensitive thing to do.

"Uh-uh."

"The longer you linger, the harder it will be to resist. I guess it won't be too scary if I try just to touch you. Well, you know what to expect, so it should be piece of cake for you."

"Touch? Uh-uh."

"It fits. The rest you'll figure out on your own."

Unfortunately, Yumichika's wonderful plan lacked specifics. Three seconds after he made an initial release, he saw a white flash and felt a bucket of icy cold water thrown over him. He swiftly checked his hands and clothes, and they were dry. It was just an illusion, he told himself, it wasn't real. After the next attack he felt that his hands were in some sticky and creamy substance up to the elbows. He irrationally hoped it was cake, for he couldn't see it. Again, an illusion. A few meters away Shuuhei smiled, looking like he was waiting to be praised for the homework well done, no less.

Yumichika said nothing.

Solid things were better. He actually felt as he was touching them, a fish, a brick, a stuffed toy, something very fleshy - he had a terrible suspicion - and was terrified to realize he was almost happy touching that, as opposed to the cold water shower.

Using kidou against Fujikujaku was the right approach, given that the opponent could pull it off. Fujikujaku's vines were locking on the transparent illusions that Shuuhei fed him time after time and Yumichika had to start the attack over. It wouldn't stop him in real combat, but now it meant a lost point, and he could do nothing, but try to figure out the moments when Shuuhei's concentration was at its low. This tactic paid off and Yumichika eventually grabbed his prey, held it for all the precious seconds he could afford, and then withdrew as promised. Was it worth all that ice and water? No way.

"You were right, Yumichika, your touch was not so bad. Let's see, if you can do it again," Shuuhei managed at last. That sounded layered, but Yumichika reacted without wasting a second and caught Shuuhei again. A kidou ball exploded into a myriad of white sparks that melted soundlessly on Fujikujaku's feathers. It looked pretty. It tickled too.

Then the iced water flew in his face again. It was not real, he reminded himself again. It was just an illusion, just an illusion.

"You keep shoving ice on me," he complained, smiling sheepishly, "Do I look that hot to you?"

Why hadn't he talked back right away?

Most of the times distraction worked, but sometimes it didn't. It also looked that his discomfort didn't go unnoticed for the amount of ice receded. He took this consideration as a positive sign, then he was touching the fleshy thing again. What the hell?

"Oh, Ran-chan, are these real?" Yumichika made a squeezing gesture with his free hand. "These are actually bigger than the real thing. Is that how your mind always works?"

Plus one. And a mental note to beat that image out of Shuuhei's head.

Then Yumichika got to give a flick to something that felt like a bald head. "I always wanted to do that to Ikkaku. Thanks for the opportunity."

"Why haven't you?"

"Somehow I always settle for a better option. You have no idea how much I can get in exchange for a kiss promise. A mere flick doesn't measure up to a kiss, don't you think?"

Plus one.

"Perhaps I should start promising..."

One point at a time. What could be easier? His panic attack was over and the control over the big picture was safely back in his hands. But for a moment out there, just for a split second, Yumichika thought he saw his own defeat. Of course, that was only an illusion.

Plus one.

**3.2**

"Onsen? Here?" Shuuhei got to his knees and touched the steaming water. He could do onsen, couldn't he? He had lost quite a bit of reiatsu, and now the onsen was tempting him. Yumichika, on the other hand, looked disgustedly invigorated.

"Yep. Now, you've got to choose, whether we do onsen, or have dinner. Due to the prior commitment I cannot do both."

The water was hot, just the way he liked it. Plus, there was the third option that Yumichika never mentioned - he could go home.

"I'm hungry," he heard himself saying. He was not quite ready to go home and face Yumichika-in-his-head taking control again. The real Yumichika was for some inexplicable reason much less intimidating than the imaginary one. Besides, even though his victory was still far away, he hadn't been a complete failure either. Perhaps the deal was not so rotten after all.

"Great. It's your treat."

Perhaps it was a premature assessment. "Why is that?"

"38:33. That's why."

"You counted?"

"You didn't?"

He did, Yumichika's counter was correct. Had they stopped fifteen minutes earlier, it still would have been his game. He didn't complain, knowing that fifteen minutes more, and the score would be much, much less flattering

They spent the next hour negotiating the terms, the timing, and all the little or not so little things that no one cared about outside of formal tournaments. A draw might look deceivingly nice, but one cannot get a free dinner out of it.

"I still see plenty of loopholes," Yumichika said midway through the dessert. "All I have to do is..."

"I don't want to know."

He didn't think he said anything funny, yet Yumichika burst into genuine laughter. "As you wish. Don't complain when I use them."

"Don't weep when I retaliate."

"If you don't want to see me weeping, then retaliate nicely."

Yumichika's voice didn't leave him any room for speculation regarding the meaning of retaliation. Yumichika shifted the meanings of the words with a sweep of his lash feathers and was still making himself perfectly understood. Had it been the first joke of the kind, Shuuhei would be slightly, or not so slightly, embarrassed. The second one would make him angry. The third one might be simply annoying. This was the two hundred and third Yumichika's joke with sexual subtext for today.

He laughed.

Laughter was the optimal answer as he had discovered paying with his own reiatsu for being angry, annoyed, or embarrassed. He had to laugh and move on, otherwise he had no chance of winning the next round.

"That Urahara's place, was it expensive?" he asked the first thing that came to his mind after moving on.

"Renji wants the dead fish. So the price is my assistance. You tell me how expensive that is."

"Dead fish? You mean… like sashimi?"

"I mean his CO."

"Oh…"

Renji's hopeless crush was no secret for Shuuhei. It just Renji never looked like he had enough courage to pursue it. And Renji's willingness to entrust his love life into Yumichika's hands made even less sense. Had Yumichika wanted Urahara's place so much that he went along with Renji's foolish dream?

"First of all, it's impossible."

"It's worth a try."

Where was this optimism coming from? Had Yumichika really thought it was possible to catch Kuchiki prince for Renji? "You're nuts. Both of you."

"Don't get too excited, you're going to help too. Otherwise I wouldn't have told you. "

"Absolutely impossible."

"He'll come to you for a second opinion and you won't have a heart to boot him out. Wanna bet?"

"And what am I supposed to tell him?"

"Doesn't matter. Free advice is never followed by action," Yumichika said, putting aside his napkin and his empty ice cream bowl, and standing up. "Now, if you excuse me, another installment is due today. Good night."

Shuuhei didn't answer. The meaning shifted again, he wasn't sure where, but still too close to comfort. He suppressed his anger for the time being, but was there any place left, where Yumichika hadn't stuck his curious nose yet? His dreams, as foolish as they might be, were not for Yumichika to flip through. His hopes... Wait a second, all Yumichika had said was _good night_, plain and simple, nothing else. There was no reason to get so worked up about it. One day at a time, he remembered his resolution, he couldn't handle more than that.

He asked the server for some paper and stayed in the restaurant until the closing time organizing everything he had learned about Yumichika's zanpakutou today. His inspiration partially came from the murals with giant octopuses that bore some distant resemblance to Fujikujaku. He figured that's why Yumichika had chosen this place, but then he saw the bill, and three division budgets spent in one day suddenly stopped being such an impossibility.

Tomorrow he would be dining here again. For free. No matter what.

**3.3**

Yumichika used plain words, short sentences, and even waited for acknowledgements. He was not to kill Renji. Ikkaku liked Renji, Yachiru liked Renji, and even Shuuhei liked Renji. If Yumichika were to kill Renji, they all would be very upset.

"Renji, you have nothing to be sorry about, and if you are not sorry, you won't look sorry."

"But..."

"Your transfer to the Sixth changed nothing."

"But he is..."

"Doable."

"But what if..."

"Are you dead?"

"Technically..."

"Don't you dare playing dumb with me!"

It was going nowhere. Renji knew the right answers to all the questions, but as soon as he saw his precious captain, he looked guilty. When Kuchiki was pressing, and it looked like nowadays Kuchiki was pressing a lot, Renji was short of folding and giving up. It was only a matter of time before the faint trace of interest in Kuchiki's eyes melted into disappointment. Once it got to mild disgust, Renji's case would be closed and archived. Renji was trashing his tiny opportunity and no amount of talk was about to stop it.

"You have to leave, Renji."

"What?"

"You have to leave Seireitei for a while. Otherwise he'll eat your soul for breakfast and forget all about it by the dinnertime. Volunteer for a ground mission, and that will get him something to think about."

"But..."

"Did you expect a fix by tomorrow? Were you somehow getting the idea I would be spoon feeding you catchy lines to impress him? If you want your sashimi-sama, fake won't cut. Listen carefully, Renji, for I'm not going to reiterate this. It's up to you, take it, or leave it. But if you slack on your homework, the deal is off. Now, Abarai-fukutaichou, if you please, get your fat ass off my futon. The mental images I'm getting from _your_ tattoos do not exactly turn me on."

"Damn you, Yumichika." Renji hurried to the door, nearly stumbling.

Counseling was never rewarding. Yumichika had been there before. He would come up with a perfect, elegant, and not to mention beautiful plan, merely to see it thrown away the next day. Begging for advice and start questioning it immediately was imprinted in the human nature. That's why he set the price high for Renji. Well, enough of Renji, he had something more exciting to do.

Ikkaku found him charting the table of prospective wins and loses for the next few days. Tomorrow, for instance, he was going to keep the score on a losing side all the way and in the end win by exactly two points. On the day after tomorrow, he would try to do exactly the opposite. Last time he had that sort of fun when someone from the Twelfth division _invented_ IQ tests. The poor guy actually dared to come to the Eleventh and try them out, which alone revealed more about his own IQ than any test. Then Yumichika showed up in the middle of the skirmish, rescued the talent, and confiscated the damn book. Passing the tests getting predetermined end results held his attention for a couple of days, then he presented the book to Yachiru. "Now I always know what Nemu-chan is thinking," Yachiru boasted a week later, "But Yumi, she's so dumb..." she added with disappointment. Granted, good education comes with a few drawbacks.

"Yumi? You're here? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. For your information, Ikkaku, I'm capable of having fun without sex."

Occasionally.

"Are you sick or something?" Ikkaku asked. "I've already started making up an excuse for your disappearance tomorrow."

"Continuing education."

That wasn't a lie, Yumichika's new affair had no chances to become another waste of time and effort. In the worst case boosting his shikai's intelligence would count as a very legitimate training. After all, he couldn't see anyone else insane enough to wait underneath his windows willing to trade reiatsu for his touch. That alone deserved some points.

"Huh?"

"That's the excuse. We're supposed to spend more on education, right? As opposed to alcohol?"

"Oh, really?" Now Ikkaku was getting it. "And pardon me asking, whose education are you gonna sponsor here?"

"You know, it's not too late, it can always be yours."

"Asshole!"

"He fed me."

"I've been feeding you every day for a hundred years."

"You never took me to _The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife_ on your own."

"He took you out? There? Damn good move." Ikkaku sat silent for a minute, then let out a heavy sigh. "I'm going to hell."

"I love you, Ikkaku!"

"You only love my fucking money!"

"Your money is anything, but _fucking_ money!"

They laughed together at another sweet moment from their distant common past. Ikkaku had held him in the air by the neck and yelled at him on the top of his lungs while he had been desperately trying to break free. He managed to kick Ikkaku in the balls and Ikkaku folded in half dropping him in the mud. The happy memory faded as Yumichika was sobbing and Ikkaku was cursing him to the infinite depths of hell. He supposed that meant that the money issues could always be resolved, if one just tried hard enough.


	4. The Nosebleed

**4. The Nosebleed**

**4.1**

Wet and covered with blood, Shuuhei wished for the death to come and mercifully take him out of his misery, and Yumichika was more than welcome to finish him off, the sooner the better. There was no one else around to do the task anyway.

It had started innocently enough. Yumichika showed up ten minutes late and declared that today, for a change of pace, they would do nothing. "This day is just too good to be wasted under the fake sun, Shuuhei."

Granted, he was gradually getting better in reading Yumichika and his steep learning curve was nothing surprising, by the end of the day his reiatsu level was directly dependent on how well he could predict and interpret Yumichika's moves. He should have taken a cue then and do nothing on his own, but Yumichika looked so radiant that he couldn't say no. And even knowing for a fact that Yumichika was made out of nothing but ulterior motives, he could sense no such motive this time.

For a while they were doing nothing. "I'm going on a quest," announced Yumichika and went to chase butterflies around. Shuuhei sat on the riverbank and watched Yumichika's quest, reflecting on the summer end and other stupid things.

The butterflies were pretty.

Then Ayasegawa-sama had a delivery. "I like doing nothing in style," he explained.

Shuuhei would rather not know how Yumichika managed to get the ice cream delivered to the isolated wooded riverbank in the outskirts of Seireitei. Then the ice cream must have gone to his head, and he teased Ayasegawa-sama for being Ayasegawa-sama. And when Yumichika insisted on being properly addressed as Yumichika-sama, he was insane enough to try to find out what Yuu-chan and Yumi-hime would sound like. Yumichika noted with all due respect that Shuu-chan should be very careful about what he wished for, for he might accidentally encounter a river spirit that would be delighted to grant his wishes. He knew he was doomed then. Shuu-chan sounded sticky.

They ate the ice cream watching the water flow. He missed the moment when Yumichika moved from the declamation of a classic, but slightly out of season haiku about the red leaves of the fall returning to the sky, to the purely theoretical speculations regarding the possibilities of flashstepping across the river. The river was perhaps a waist deep at most and not too wide. And there were rocks protruding above the water surface here and there that were making it possible for shinigami to cross without getting their feet wet.

He wasn't sure who dared whom, but it was fun while it lasted. He supposed he shouldn't have laughed when Yumichika slipped on the rock, missed the bank by a couple of meters, and stood in the river with the water up to his knees. He supposed it was extremely stupid to slip on the same rock and slam into Yumichika.

Yumichika was not as skinny, as he had thought.

"You ruined my feathers." Yumichika's flat voice didn't match the confusion on his face.

"I did," he admitted, vaguely recollecting that breaking the feathers could be taken as a mortal offence. "You've got a blue eye and seaweed in your hair." And Shuuhei reached to take it out.

"Don't even think!"

He looked down and there was blood on his hands. There was blood all over and it kept running.

"It's coming out of your nose."

"Right." His vision went blurry, he knew where it was coming from. This was the end. "Right," he pulled away. Maybe it was all right he couldn't see Yumichika, he didn't really want to see Yumichika, let alone touch Yumichika. There never was a point in their deal, Yumichika could kill him with a well chosen word any time. Yumichika could take his victory, stick it down his throat and be gone to toy with someone else. _Right._

The blood wouldn't stop. He sat on the bank, pinching his nose, and the blood wouldn't stop.

"I see." Yumichika placed a hand firmly on his forehead. "The excessive excitement caused your blood rush to the brain, where it didn't find anyone home. Therefore, the brain redirected the blood to be flushed through the nose. Case closed."

"The Fourth will be happy to have you."

"You think I should request a transfer? I'm too selfish for them, I cannot do anything for strangers, so they won't take me."

The idea of Yumichika transferring to the Fourth division boggled his mind. Then Yumichika removed his hand and he realized that the blood had stopped.

"But I'm a stranger," he said.

Yumichika didn't answer. He went back to the river to wash off the blood, then fixed his feathers and the blue eye and dried his clothes. When he finished, most of the bloodstains were still there, but Yumichika didn't seem to care. That logic made no sense, the damn feathers were important, and the blood wasn't. Shuuhei always used more reiatsu for removing the blood than for anything else, and today drying up properly was sacrificed, because he just couldn't concentrate.

"I'm hungry," said Yumichika at last. "Guess what, Shuu-chan? Since this was the most refreshing and not to mention enlightening doing nothing in my live, you're buying."

"Call me that in public, and I'll pluck your feathers."

Yumichika wore a smug look on his face for the rest of the day. By the end of the dinner Shuuhei started to think it was cute, but he still couldn't figure out what so enlightening Yumichika had found in his nosebleed.

**4.2**

Sometimes conversations just had to be mindless and casual, and Yumichika was letting Shuuhei enjoy a rare drop of pressure and simultaneously giving himself some space to think. They were spending way too much outside of their respective divisions and that meant running into more people with annoying habits to watch and gossip. Yumichika's stand on rumors was just as radical as his other practices. When most people were guarding their little secrets with the utmost care, Yumichika would make up a few conflicting rumors and launch them one after another, never forgetting to throw in a highly abridged, but essentially true version. The truth was normally first to be discarded.

Yumichika threw a glance around. Just as he thought, they were already getting some attention, but some people were actually staring rather impolitely...

_What?_

Yumichika looked back into the man's eyes and the list of the crimes sprung to his mind. Of course, it was not the whole list, just the highlights, but still unpleasant enough. First, the man was guilty of calling him Yumichika while thinking Ayasegawa-sama just because they had sex. Retarded. Honorifics were to be dropped because relationships evolve, and sex alone wasn't not enough to make a difference. Second, commenting that Yumichika looked like a girl, practically missing and ignoring an important part of Yumichika's body, the part that was even in plain view at the time. Third, meaning the aforementioned statement as a compliment, thus insulting Yumichika's intelligence to no end. The official version of Yumichika's discontent went along the wrong brand of chocolate lines.

The name, however, failed to come attached to the list of the crimes. Well, no big loss.

Yumichika was not the only one who was watching the man retreat.

"What the hell? He saw me!" Shuuhei said, rather confused.

"A friend of yours?"

"Friends don't run. At least not that fast." said Shuuhei and then added very quietly, "Everything has changed. And somehow I missed the memo that advised people against talking to me."

"I guess I'm that memo."

Shuuhei stopped. "What do you mean?" he asked, pushing Yumichika from the main street into the nearest alley. "What exactly do you mean?"

_Paranoid._

"Simple. He saw me, got scared, and ran away. Based on the previous experience." Obviously, explaining the nature of this failed affair was out of question, but letting Shuuhei think that it was somehow his fault was not an option either. Not another guilt cycle, please, and not another mood dive. Yumichika had already seen a number of these. Yesterday it was a nosebleed, on the day before yesterday they run into Captain Komamura, and before that there was something else. Yumichika was able to neutralize the impact by turning the conversation to Komamura's hideous bankai, but his creativity was tried every day.

"That's ridiculous!" Shuuhei studied him cautiously as if sensing the bullshit that Yumichika was trying to push his way. "You might be intimidating, but not scary."

"Oh, thank you."

"Sorry."

_That's right, back off._

"No offense taken, when you say what you think. And of course, I can be intimidating enough to scare people off. You should try it too."

"Still not scary. Besides, you're carrying a mirror around."

"You mean this mirror?" Yumichika took the mirror out and waved it in front of Shuuhei's nose. "What does it have to do with anything? Do I look like a girl to you? Is this what you're saying?"

Another careful examination followed, and Yumichika stepped back, regretting letting out his initial reaction to the mirror. After all, what if despite all his efforts he really did look like a girl to Shuuhei?

"No," said Shuuhei after considering the matter for some time. "No," he repeated, but refrained from sharing any further conclusions he might have drawn from Yumichika's telepathic signal.

"Marvelous. But I guess I'll have to show you some proof anyway."

"Not here! I mean don't, just don't."

"Actually, I was talking about scaring someone off, but I really like the way you're thinking."

And Yumichika strolled out of the alley, humming cheerfully, pretending not to hear half-suppressed curses that flew in his back.

Sometimes conversations just had to be mindless and casual, but Yumichika had a feeling it was time for a bet.

**4.3**

Matsumoto Rangiku was taking a half-day off without mentioning the fact to her sweet little captain. Of course, soon enough he'd find her here on the terrace of this small teahouse, staring in the empty cup, waiting for him, and he'd yell. That was their small private game. She felt wanted, he vented bottled up emotions, and they shared a moment of silent reassurance. It was a good game for now.

There was only one thing that bothered her. Two officers from who knows what division were staring at her from the next table working up the courage. After all these years she could recite their silly pick up lines before they would think them up. That would only destroy the piece of her mind and her captain would be here just in time for an ugly scene. Matsumoto just couldn't hurt his feelings like that. To make things worse, she was not wearing her badge.

She looked down the street and saw them. Oblivious to their surroundings, they were arguing in hushed tones, stopping every few meters. Even without hearing the conversation she knew Hisagi was wasting his time trying to outtalk Yumichika. But it also looked like she was present at a historical moment, because Yumichika finally lost his temper.

"I've shown you mine! You've got to show me yours!" he yelled for the whole street to hear and enjoy. The street froze and Matsumoto froze along with the street.

"Nice try! I'm impressed!" Hisagi yelled back. She was impressed too, Hisagi she knew at the very least would have noticed they were in a public place.

"Not nearly enough!"

"Is that a threat?"

"No! It's a promise!"

Now that was a threat. Yumichika looked away, but Hisagi didn't even bother to hide his contentment.

She smiled to both of them.

Yumichika noticed her first, caught her silent plea, and scanned the terrace for clues.

"Ran-chan," he exclaimed cheerfully. "What a lovely surprise. Do you mind if we join you?" She hoped they would.

"Shuuhei, how long?" asked Yumichika stepping behind wannabe pickupers.

_It's Shuuhei? Since when?_

Hisagi settled at Matsumoto's table in such a way that he could face both, Matsumoto's trouble and Yumichika. He studied the objective for a few seconds, then shared a look with Yumichika. The argument seemed to be forgotten.

"60?"

"Okay." Yumichika looked down. "Do you know who I am, officers?"

"Should we?"

These idiots must be really new.

"Excellent! Today is your very lucky day! Let me introduce myself..."

She'd seen Yumichika's performances before. Ikkaku costarred occasionally, but usually Yumichika went solo. And if the audience was right, he would go an extra mile, like today. Her presence, however, never made any difference. Well, she was not stupid, she could add two plus one. She turned to check Hisagi's reaction and saw him playing as well. Every time their targets were trying to look away from Yumichika, they would meet a particularly not amused stare of the Ninth division lieutenant and turn back. They were playing and she was free to discover them. Or maybe she was only able to discover them because she had a game of her own. Seireitei was the wrong place for the games. Maybe she could just take her captain, forget the paperwork, get away for a while, and have an adventure...

"...therefore, my subordinates have clear and precise instructions regarding the matter of assaulting Matsumoto-fukutaichou. However, none of them is around at the moment to provide you a free ride to the Fourth and some time off. That's the reason why you're so lucky. You see, I don't follow these boring directions, I write them, isn't it lovely?" Then Yumichika just turned the smile off. "Make yourself scarce."

And they did. Strangely it took Yumichka a whole minute. He could scare anyone off in less than ten seconds. Strange. Was it so long on purpose?

"64," noted Hisagi, expression blank.

"You counted too fast."

"We've measured it. How come you never complain when you win?"

They were ignoring her again.

"You wrote that damn gag memo!" Matsumoto could not only add one plus two, but two plus three as well.

"You see, Shuuhei, they never appreciate anything I do. It's never been a gag memo, Matsumoto, it's been a very real memo, and we've filed a fair number of incidents using it and we still keep filing."

"What memo?" Hisagi had no idea obviously.

"The memo about beating up Matsumoto's stalkers. It's just that the definition of stalking is broad. Matsumoto doesn't even have to be present, but it includes staring among other things."

"Staring? That's impolite," Hisagi nodded, "I can't say, however, that the measures are completely..." His eyes focused on her bosom and he blushed just enough to make her take her anger out on Yumichika. What _else_ could she do? Another nosebleed and they would stick around for too long and then her ever jealous captain would be _really_ pissed.

"How dare you using me like that?"

"The only thing I used is the language our thugs understand best. Face it, you were cashing in all the benefits." And Matsumoto had to face it, she enjoyed the silly way those idiots proudly stood for her. After all, she was just a girl.

"Damn you, Yumichika!"

"That's my thanks. I appreciate it, Matsumoto. Yamamoto-soutaichou also thought it was a gag memo until he saw the statistics. Guess what, cases ruled in our favor do not require any additional paperwork. The rest is irrelevant. By the way, how much time do we have?"

_Can I ever hide anything from him?_

Lying to Yumichika always led to immediate retaliation, she learned it the hard way, besides, she could already sense her captain's reiatsu. "None," she said.

"Then we'd better go." And they left.

At the very least Yumichika wouldn't charge her. She'd seen enough, including that under the table exchange of kicks. It was not her fault Yumichika had been in the mood for showing off. It was not her fault he'd gone soft and careless. It was surely was not her fault she'd caught them.

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Taichou! I have a terrific idea!"

**4.4**

"I don't know," Yumichika tossed his hair, skimming through the menu for the third time. "They can cook octopus in thirty-six different ways and everything appears to be delicious."

His companion looked over the top of his own menu, but said nothing.

"Note that the owner knows how to appreciate fine art, from the sign above the door, down to the names of the dishes."

"I don't see what the dreams of some fisherman's wife have to do with fine arts."

"That's a shame. You're missing out all the fine points," murmured Yumichika. Too bad this adorable ignorance wouldn't last. "I want unadon, they don't have it. That's a shame too."

"They're big on octopuses. Why would they have eel here?"

"Is this a rhetorical question, or you'd really like to know? Choose, I can tell you, I can show you, or I can do both. Your place, since Yachiru breaks through the barriers like they're never there."

Yumichika, however, was not about to explain the dreams of the fisherman's wife for the risk of downgrading Shuuhei's dreams. Fujikujaku had found the whole affair hilarious, despite of a snide remark or two on being compared to some brainless sea creature.

"I have no doubts you can. How about you decide what you're going to eat?"

Yumichika went back to the menu. "Still, thirty-six ways to cook octopus seems a bit forced to me." He shut the menu close, "I believe in delegation. I'll have whatever you have."

"That's called copycat, not delegation."

Yumichika didn't really care what it was called, as long as his cozy nest inside Shuuhei's head was getting warmer with each comeback. Nearly everyone assumed his jokes meant nothing. He let them. The words were to be forgotten, the images were to stay. He would plant an image in someone's head, direct its growth, or leave it as is and then see what happens.

Doing nothing was a full time job.

"So, that was your last word?"

"You blew your chance with that spectacular show in front of Matsumoto."

"I thought it was a good line. Everyone else thought it was a good line. You know, I cannot resist watching people's faces when their inner world is shaken by something they never expected to hear."

"You were not watching _people_! But, I'll give you credit, you can scare them off."

"People? Nameless seekers of free entertainment, never brave enough to make the news. Why would I watch them?" Now Yumichika was using his menu as a fan. He refrained from rolling his eyes, though, that would have been too melodramatic for the moment, but why couldn't he find out something without betting first?

"That's the reason why I'm not showing my shikai to you."

"What if I told you that I'd never really wanted to see it?"

"You mean you've spent four days begging for something you don't really want?"

_Not quite._


	5. The Onsen

**5. The Onsen **

**5.1**

"Aaaah! That was... That was..." Shuuhei was desperately gasping for air, turning bright red, to his horror, in patches. His memory promptly supplied the image of baby octopuses on his plate and Yumichika giving them a long dreamy look right before the upgrade talk. "I'll make my attack nicer, if you make your defense nicer." He bought it.

"That was the upgrade," Yumichika helped him to find the correct word and licked his lips. Slowly. "No risk, no gain. What was my risk this time, by the way?"

He couldn't believe it. He never thought that Yumichika might get the flavor of his illusions. That thought scared him much more than the complete brain shutdown for who knows how long. The time had stopped. His overloaded senses almost made his heart jump out, however it wasn't something he'd let himself think about. He would be all right as long as he wouldn't think about it.

"Ice cream."

"What flavor?"

"Red beans."

"What? Is this what you dare to call _nice_?"

"Are you telling me you can taste an illusion? Can you get the smell too? Because if yes, you're getting durian next time."

"If I'm getting durian, you're getting your reiatsu sucked out to the last drop! And you'll scream all the way while I'm through it! Perhaps the difference between playing nice and not nice will register in that thick brain of yours."

Yumichika's feathers showed the wrong time. It usually looked like quarter to twelve, and now it was... Shit! He was not in the position to throw threats around. He wouldn't visualize durian, thorns or no thorns, to save his live, and creating odor illusions was well beyond his abilities. Besides, he _knew_ about the damn red beans. A couple of days ago Yumichika went through the dessert menu crossing out nearly everything as inedible.

"The point is..." he started without any clear idea what he wanted to say.

Yumichika used Fujikujaku to answer.

It was not going well. Shuuhei could only block Yumichika one time out of ten. By accident. He tried all kidou tricks he remembered, but all of his counter attacks were absorbed one way or another by Yumichika's barrier. To make things worse, he couldn't feel Yumichika's presence behind his attacks, they felt so impersonal, as if Yumichika was not there at all. At some point Yumichika lightly jumped a few feet up and started floating around. In circles.

Running out of time, Shuuhei checked his options again. It was the time to give up, go home, take a cold shower, and feel nothing. Could he just feel nothing? He didn't even have to wait until he was home, he thought, turning an ice bucket over his own head.

The touch was gone and Yumichika landed on his ass. He didn't expect that to happen. He sat, exhausted, on the ground. He won, right?

"Oops." Yumichika sheathed Fujikujaku. "Congratulations."

Yumichika's fake smile made him feel like an utter idiot. It finally occurred to him that Yumichika couldn't care less for the damn flavor, Yumichika's anger rooted in his cowardly response. Instead of playing along, he once again played dumb, pretending he had never noticed other upgrades. Yumichika targeted his sensors highly selective and let him know about it. Why couldn't he reconcile with the fact? A heavy wave of shame washed over him. Why did Yumichika even bother to waste his time on a complete moron incapable of giving anything back?

Shuuhei found Yumichika soaking in the onsen. The hair tied in the back, feathers gone, eyes closed, Yumichika didn't move an inch even when he got in the water.

_Not a good sign._

Cute ears. Shuuhei hadn't seen them so exposed before. If only Yumichika could have a ponytail, he'd be able to see the ears then. He wished he could become more familiar with them. Start with the left one, trace the rim from the top down to the lobe, and then bite it slightly just to know the taste of it. It would be warm and dump because of all this steam. Yumichika would relax and he'd push him under the water, and his precious hair would be wet and messy and...

Shuuhei missed the moment when Yumichika opened his eyes and busted him. What the hell was he thinking about?

_Oh, shit._

**5.2**

He could have yelled. He could have yelled for the sake of all the times he held back while being rejected, ignored, or pushed away. He could have yelled for all the times when he had convinced himself that he was smart enough not to give in to the spur of the moment. He could have yelled until the selfish inconsiderate bastard turned green and had a heart attack.

He should have smiled and eaten it up, like always. He had no rights to turn Shuuhei's life upside down and without Fujikujaku he would have no chances whatsoever. It was silly to blame Shuuhei for the complex mental tricks he used to overcome his fear. Therefore Yumichika should patiently follow the chosen strategy doing nothing however long it would take, because patience was a virtue.

So Yumichika had made up the reasons for yelling on a spot, hoping he hadn't been too obvious. And even if he had, whatever.

He slipped quietly in his inner world for a private talk. Fujikujaku climbed clumsily on his lap.

"It's taking too long," he said, gently stroking the peacock's shiny feathers.

"Shinigami view their zanpakutou as prick replacements, prick extenders, or sex toys. You realize, I hope, that you've just promoted your sex toy to a sex counselor?"

"I wasn't asking for any advice," he protested, "I was merely expressing my discontent with the flow of events."

"Indeed?" Fujikujaku snorted. "Hey, did you know that pricks have taste buds? Not many, but some sensitive individuals might even detect sweet tea."

"I'm not in the mood for your silly jokes!"

"Your doubts are highly insulting." Fujikujaku pecked him. "This is my field of expertise."

"How about bankai, sex toy?"

Fujikujaku jumped off Yumichika's lap, and continued from the safe distance, "I think you should enjoy the flow of events more thoroughly."

He would have been happier with some dumb penis extender type of zanpakutou. What was the rotten bird talking about? Buckets of cold water in the face was all he was about to enjoy for the weeks to come. His beautiful plan had no flaws, except that it wasn't working.

His senses alerted him to the heat other than the hotness of the spring water but Yumichika didn't let himself to be tricked again. The moments like this never lasted, all inconvenient urges were hastily suppressed and quick I-don't-wanna-want-you looks thrown. Well, _I-didn't-_wanna-want-you looks would be worse, yet inevitable, if Yumichika switched to Plan D. Was it time to engage Plan D?

He pulled up his knees and opened his eyes.

"Your hair will be ruined."

_What? Is that a special request I hear?_

**5.3 **

"You hair will be ruined," Shuuhei said, feeling his throat going dry. It wouldn't take a genius to foresee the natural consequences of stripping his clothes off and getting in the onsen in Yumichika's company. Being out of reiatsu and turning the sex drive off were not mutually exclusive, not at all. He knew that much. What's more, he used that small piece of common sense every time when he was choosing food over a nice dip. Of course, Yumichika never failed to snicker at his not so brave choice and with each passing day he was more and more tempted to choose the onsen just to see the face Yumichika would come up with, regardless of any natural consequences that might have followed. 

Hisperception of time played a trick on him again, or perhaps flashtepping through the water up to one's chin had made it to all training manuals and he had managed to miss it. The wave from Yumichika's cut through hit his nostrils and he sneezed. What sort of sick joke is that, throwing water in one's face? Luckily, it wasn't cold...

_Oh, no..._

The fact that Yumichika, no farther than a feet away, was apparently scanning his mind through his eyes, and obviously succeeding, was not helping.

"And what leverage do you have for making statements this bold?"

What leverage? Indeed, what leverage... It hadn't taken him long to start distinguishing where the jokes were turning into the real bits and pieces of Yumichika's preferences and expectations. From all he had heard and seen so far, he could draw a rather frightening conclusion - the minefield he had so carelessly stepped into, presented him with endless possibilities for screwing up. Wait. Screwing up what? He was screwing nothing but his pathetic illusions. Why was Yumichika-in-his-head capable of saying something good, capable of simply calling him an idiot, so he might believe that everything would eventually work out fine? Why was the real Yumichika driving him up the wall instead?

Shuuhei stared at the drops of water on Yumichika's face, at the mouth corner trembling so slightly that he barely missed it. The reassuring thought that he was not alone here here fighting with uncertainties was all the leverage he needed. Shuuhei let go of his own balls and reached out to find Yumi's.

"How about this?" he asked, as Yumichika's cock, by no means soft to begin with, was hardening between his fingers.

They both looked down for a moment, but the water was too murky to see anything, including the leverage in question.

"It might work," said Yumichika, cracking a light smile, a first one since that horrible lick incident, "That is if you start breathing, or something."

The cock slipped out of his hesitant hand and Shuuhei's priorities began to shift once more. Finding the way to shut Yumi up pushed itself to the to the top of the list, but perhaps kissing Yumi's wet shoulder, working up towards his original goal, the ear, might do the trick, prompting Yumichika to keep his mouth busy elsewhere...

And for a while Yumichika did shut up.

**5.4**

Sharp pain threw him out of the his sensuous heaven when he least expected it. This was neither a place for pain, nor a time for it. It was not supposed to end like this, not like this. Yumichika opened his eyes and looked down at the rock edge that had just cut his knee, interrupting his otherwise pleasurable pastime. Well, the blood on his knee wasn't the only thing that went wrong, the familiar cooling sensation on his back meant he had missed the moment. His brand new idiot lover had gone ahead, literally dropping him on the rocks and leaving him - Yumichika checked again - not even hanging.

How the hell did it happen, if everything was, despite of the location, flowing so nicely - firm grip on his hips, occasional bites into his shoulders, muffled gasps, and pauses to catch the breath? The pace, unsteady and slow at first, had been eventually brought to sync, and Yumichika having narrowed his world down to the sensations and rhythm, was waiting for the right moment to stop holding back and let his muscles to do the job of triggering Shuuhei's natural response. What could be easier? Simultaneous arrival to the desired destination was one of his many tricks that cost him nothing, yet never failed to impress. Well, that was until now.

"What the fuck?" Yumichika asked, springing to his feet and turning around. His brain was automatically registering streaks of sweat and dilated pupils, and all the other signs that were of no use to him now.

"Huh?" Shuuhei blinked, then his eyes focused on Yumichika's knees and the soft and silly smile that some other time could have made Yumichika's day, vanished without a trace. "I'm sorry," he said, obviously referring to the unfortunate injury.

"Why did you withdraw?" Yumichika was not about to let the topic slip away, "Was that a new contraception technique?"

"I thought you wouldn't like it."

"What?"

"You've said it yourself, it's impolite to come inside..."

"What?"

"That's what you said," repeated Shuuhei.

So this idiocy was not out the lack of attention, but due to its excess. And even though the execution turned out to be far less than perfect, it was the good intentions that counted. In Yumichika's world of expectation people were selfish, even the best of them, and it never occurred to him to give Shuuhei benefit of doubt.

"The possibility of being impolite," he said slowly, "should not necessarily stop you from action."

"You liked it?"

"Were there any hints that might have tipped you otherwise, such as, but not limited to, angry screams, elbows shoving into your stomach, anything?"

"Good point," Shuuhei said barely audible and looked up.

_Marvelous!_

One couldn't just tell people they're sex failures, even if the vast majority of people were indeed sex failures, and expect they would take it well. Especially when only an hour ago the said one had been so desperate to get any. If he wanted to turn this failure into success, a new plan with plenty of treats to keep the enthusiasm up must be set in motion, and he'd better think of something nice for later tonight, so that no one leaves the room in a bad mood. Having reached this conclusion, Yumichika started limping towards the onsen.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"What?" Yumichika looked over his shoulder.

"We are not exactly done here..."

Yumichika stopped. Shuu-chan's statement went in full accordance with the policy he had just made up, they were not done there yet. To match this by all means exceptional resilience he had to come up with something twice as nice as he initially intended, and not only that, he had to think _fast._

**5.5**

"I won," Yumichika declared with especially smug expression on his face. One could say that at the moment Yumichika was smugness personified. "Your lips on my foreskin, which was entirely your idea, is the ultimate proof of my victory."

The idea to have sex in this rocky and dusty abandoned place was insane, and the bleeding knees were the price they both paid for his stupidity. The teasing started the moment he reluctantly put Yumichika back into the water, and it was the only thing that was keeping him awake. He was tired, hungry, and still mostly out of reiatsu, but falling asleep in the onsen was a sure way to become a laughing stock for weeks. He wondered where all the reiatsu that Yumichika had sucked out of him went, because it looked like the other shinigami also relied on the onsen to heal his fresh scratches.

"You won? Sex was never a part of the deal."

"It was implied."

"You may imply anything you want. If it wasn't stated, it's not part of the deal. Period. Besides, considering the trail of your lips and fingers, and I won't even start on the sounds you were making, you should think twice before claming your so called victory." Shuuhei gave out a yawn. "A draw, if you insist."

Yumichika didn't budge. "I won."

"Don't tell me you had a bet with Ikkaku," he said jokingly, yawning again. Nothing could ruin his mood now, absolutely nothing. He knew everything he wanted to know. The worries were over, it was the time for savoring the sweet moment of bliss.

"Well, I did." Yumichika looked up to meet his eyes, "And I lost that one," he added quickly, with no traces of regret in his voice.

"What?"

"Meeting the three day deadline somehow lost it appeal."

Strangle the viper. He knew it had been a setup, but a bet? With Ikkaku? And here he cared about Yumichika's feelings and bleeding knees. He just cared.

_Idiot._

Shuuhei got out of the water, used just a bit of reiatsu to dry up, and started putting his clothes on. Yumichika snorted at his still too precise movements, but he managed to get into his hakama without embarrassing moments, like falling back into the onsen. The fact that he wasn't sleepy any longer didn't help a bit.

"Three fucking days?"

"No. Five fucking days and three days for a nice dance around the subject. That was Plan B."

Strangle the viper. Shuuhei sat down on a rock next to the pool, and thought that Yumichika's Plan A would have certainly crashed him like a grasshopper. "Ever occurred to you I might've told you to get lost?"

"Sure. I was very generous assigning an appropriate probability for that particular case." Yumichika looked at the clouds, as if trying to remember the exact number, "Eeh... 0.9 percent."

Shuuhei took a deep breath. And then another one. The figures were accurate.

"I see. You're also betting with yourself."

"Um... sort of."

"What I don't see is how that affects our immediate future," he said, jutting over the water. "What are you waiting for? A special invitation?"

Yumichika's perplexed expression calmed his urgent need for revenge.

"In case you're still unable to think coherently, I'll spell it out. Today's dinner is on you. However, another hour, and they will close. Then, either you have to remember how to cook, or it's a 24-hour ramen stand. Somehow I have this vague idea that the former is worse. To raid our division kitchens for leftovers is also a possibility, but..."

By the time Shuuhei finished speculating about their midnight dining options, Yumichika was completely dressed and his feathers were miraculously back in place.

"I haven't cooked for a hundred years. I'm not changing that," Yumichika said simply, all the smugness gone.

No surprises here.


	6. The Timing

**6. The Timing**

**6.1**

"Ah... Senpai, do you have a minute?"

He had a minute.

_Well, Renji, you wanna talk about the dead fish? _Shuuhei was so tempted to ask that, he had to bite his tongue. Must be someone's bad influence.

Three hours later, he fully appreciated Yumichika's warning, for he had taken some time to think about Renji and his captain. Renji was saying he didn't know what exactly he wanted from his captain and Shuuhei couldn't tell whether Renji was simply indirect, or it was a growing case of denial.

Shuuhei had had at least two lectures on denial already. He lived through the theory just fine, it was the practical part that drove him to the edge. "That's very unfortunate that you cannot move," Yumichika said then, slowly getting him out of his clothes. "That means you've got to get your reiatsu restored," he added dropping Shuuhei in the onsen with a big splash. "Some very delightful things might have happened to you, if you could move just a little." Then Yumichika sat by the water and went on explaining those delights in plain details… Wait a second, it wasn't about denial, it was about... Strange, he managed to remember every word, but the main point somehow escaped him.

"Senpai?" Someone was calling. "Senpai? You all right?"

"Huh?" He blinked. Renji was still here, waiting for his answer. What was the question again? "Er, sorry, Renji. I'm... fine."

Denial or not, that was of no importance now, therefore Shuuhei chose the tactical approach. If Renji didn't know what he wanted, he should stop worrying about the things he had no control over and concentrate on readjusting his target. Renji started out aiming at Kuchiki, but now, half way close, he had to target not Kuchiki, but the place next to him. To get there, Renji had to find the source of strength unrelated to Kuchiki. Shuuhei even drew a few pictures to help Renji visualize the sheer complexity of his problem. For some reason Renji understood better with pictures.

"Look, Renji. The moon, the land, and you're right here, between them. The closer you get, the harder the moonlight tries to blind you. You have to pretend you aren't interested, so the moon calms down and looks elsewhere. Meanwhile, you recharge and make your run. You'll know what to do when you get there."

_Hopefully._

"Senpai," Renji still looked uncertain. "I sorta got that, but what do you think I should do now?"

"Well, I think you should leave Seireitei for a while. Sign up for a mission..."

"Actually, I'm already going ground. It looks like everybody wants me to go. It's not like I'm going around talking about _him_, though."

"I believe so."

_Why the hell did you bother to ask me anyway?_

Renji's visit made him lose his working mood, so he pushed all the work either aside or down, and went straight to the Eleventh.

"Do you want to bet whether Renji gets out of Seireitei?" he asked, accepting a cup of tea and resting his feet on the second visitor's chair.

"That's cheating. We both _know_ he's going. What did you want to bet?"

"Well, I'm saving it for the next time."

"Next time?" Yumichika went around his desk to make a counter offer. "Well, I could think of something in exchange..." he whispered in Shuuhei's ear.

He thought he'd be all right as long as he pretended that Yumi's lips were somewhere far, far away.

The door opened and Ikkaku barged in. "Hey, Hisagi, I didn't know you came to visit. I woulda knocked." Ikkaku grinned.

"No, Ikkaku, you wouldn't. You expected me to be using your desk," said Yumichika, slowly pulling away. Too slowly.

Shuuhei chuckled at this highly impractical idea. Ikkaku's desk could be used for that sort of things just once. And under certain easily imaginable circumstances it would last less than a minute.

Ikkaku shook his head as if trying to drive flies away. "Like I care about your steamy make-out session. Taichou wants your ass right now. That's all there is."

"Your impeccable sense of timing, Ikkaku, never ceases to amuse me, but keep trying. Maybe someday you'll catch me. Maybe." Yumichika smiled apologetically to Shuuhei and was gone.

**6.2**

_They do, don't they?_

Ikkaku couldn't tell and it was driving him nuts. It used to be simple - a day for the dreamy look, two days for the disappearance, and five days for the depression over the loss of faith in humanity in general. The last five days were Ikkaku's.

Yumichika had broken that pattern. Theoretically, it was none of Ikkaku's business, and he wouldn't think more than twice, if it was one way or another. Too bad for Ikkaku, but it looked both ways to him. He was stuck. On stupid. Sure, Hisagi wasn't a shadow of himself any longer, but he didn't look like a typical Yumichika's slave either. As for that idiotic performance, Ikkaku knew better than anybody that Yumichika's mind-fucking mode could last indefinitely. After all, Iba was a living proof. It's not like he'd ever tell Iba... Damn, he should have taken a cue when Yumi said he had forgotten about their bet and back off.

"Hey, Hisagi, hungry?"

"Starving."

"That fruitcake will starve you to death, if you let him."

"Cake and starving don't go well in the same sentence."

_Huh! They don't!_

"Depends on what you gonna do with it, eat or have."

Ikkaku's not so subtle fishing attempt passed disregarded, so he just took Hisagi down to the division cafeteria.

"I've been wondering where all those food money go." Hisagi smirked ten minutes later, picking a stuffed shrimp sautéed to perfection. "Now I know. By the way, do you file alcohol for the division along with the food or as recreational?"

"It depends," Ikkaku scratched his head. "It's always too much to be dumped in one column, so if it's for a monthly birthday party, it's recreational, the rest goes with the food, and if it's still too much, then it's medical. Got to balance it right, or they scream. What, you threw a party?"

"Sort of. Since I was suddenly left in charge, I felt like celebrating. Wasn't half bad."

"Huh! You should see our birthday parties!"

"Hmm... And how do you file him?"

"Good question." Ikkaku bit his tongue. Direct lies were bad for karma, but mentioning continuing education was out of question. "It also depends," he said, trying to gain some time.

"I'd file him as a natural disaster," Hisagi said without waiting for reply, letting Ikkaku off the hook.

"We don't have a column like that."

"That's a shame."

_Hell! They do!_

Ikkaku couldn't agree more and tried to change the subject. One wrong word and disaster quite naturally would unfold right above his head. Yumichika would fly in and get in line within a minute. The ruins of the cafeteria would attract the rest of the crowd, and Ikkaku was not entirely sure the bets would be in his favor. Then finally, Yachiru would get his ass for the cafeteria. Quite a party. Suddenly Ikkaku was very, very tempted.

"Hey, you wanna go ground with us to do some butt kicking? Renji's got this ground mission and I don't wanna miss out all the fun..." Ikkaku's voice trailed. He couldn't see the meaning sinking in, Hisagi's expression didn't change much, but he could sense it. He had just squashed a helpless puppy and a little kid was looking up at him with teary eyes, accusing. Shit.

"They won't let me go." Hisagi said, seemingly unfazed. "My division only recently started functioning more or less normal and if I leave them now, they'll fall apart again. Thanks for the offer anyway."

What was wrong with this fucker? It'd be another stupid watch out, boring as hell like the most of them. He might hope for some good action, but he'd better get real, they'd be lucky to get any. In three fucking weeks Hisagi would get his precious little weasel back. Hungry. Better start stacking chocolate already.

It would be peace on earth for at least three days.

_For me._

Hisagi smiled to him kindly before leaving and Ikkaku almost went through the roof from fury.

_What? Threats?_

As soon as Hisagi's straight back disappeared from the view, Ikkaku dropped his head on his hands. He saw his future and it looked bleak. Peace on earth was damn expensive.

**6.3**

"Where the fuck have you been all this time?" From the way Captain Zaraki glared, one might assume he was overly concerned about the discipline. Yumichika beamed back.

_You've been missing me, taichou, haven't you?_

"I'm doing a research," he announced, taking his usual chair.

"Huh?"

"I'm improving the image of our division that had suffered greatly during the recent unfortunate events. The expenses are filed under continuing education, public relations, and promotion of intercommunications between divisions."

"Interwhat? I don't wanna know…" Zaraki was surely not new to Yumichika's pseudo-businesslike code cracking.

Yachiru was eyeing him from her usual place on the pile of paperwork on Zaraki's table. "Is that the same research you stole papers from and interrogated the other day?

"Yep."

Zaraki rubbed his temples. "I didn't wanna know that either," he muttered.

Yachiru didn't pay him any attention. "Is he cute?"

No, Yumichika wasn't going to elaborate, that was his private research. Shuuhei was still in no condition to face Zaraki or Yachiru, especially Yachiru.

"Ken-chan, are you sure Yumi should go ground with Baldie?"

"Renji's got Ikkaku going ground? Count me in."

Captain Zaraki didn't look so certain anymore either. "You wanna go? You don't look like you wanna go. You look like you wanna do your research."

He wanted to switch his brain off.

"And let these retards run loose? When Ikkaku is with Renji, their combined stupidity increases ten folds. Add Matsumoto and they're doomed. And you know just as well as I do he'd be smart enough to hide from Hitsugaya."

"Ran-chan says it's fun to hide from Shiro-chan, because he always finds her. Always. It's so romantic, Yumi!"

He thought it was plain dumb, but Yachiru still thought dates were romantic. He couldn't help it, certain things Yachiru would have to figure out on her own, for he was never in the mood to fight the entire Women Shinigami Association.

"Is that so? By the way, Ran-chan is using you to blackmail Ikkaku. Do you by any chance happen to know why?"

Yachiru looked away. "I owe her some favors…"

"Favors?"

"Ken-chan, but I only owe small ones."

"How many?"

"27…"

"WHAT?" This time Zaraki and Yumichika were in complete agreement, 27 favors for Matsumoto screamed trouble, a major one.

"Don't get grumpy, it's all girls' stuff and I have lots and lots of tactical advantage. And guess what? Nanao-chan and Jyuu-chan owe me two huge favors. For the same thing!"

"Ain't looking like all girls' stuff to me..." Zaraki looked as if he was suffering from indigestion.

Yumichika was not excited over Ukitake and Nanao-chan's plots either. He was impressed by the ambition though, getting Captain Kyouraku out of his perpetual slumber was not a trivial task.

"Collecting on both sides? That's lovely! Got any from the dead fish-sama yet?"

"Don't call him that!" Yachiru pouted. "I'll never trade Byakushi! Never!"

"I admire your sense of loyalty. Who will you trade? No, let me guess," Yumichika made a dramatic pause. "Iba and Renji?"

"It's not fair! You knew!"

"I can get them both to do cleaning duty here every day for two years. Naked."

"Me too…"

"That's enough! I'm sick of your sticky mind shit… Wanna go? Then you're going. Get the details from Hitsugaya." Zaraki hesitated for a moment. "Now, get out of here and don't do anything stupid."

Yumichika paused outside of the Zaraki's office for just a second. He desperately needed his research to hug him.

**6.4**

Shuuhei remembered they had a war. The end of the world was about to knock at the gate and the Ninth division, just like all the others, had its share of drills and training. But in the universe created by Yumichika that war meant nothing. But both universes collapsed into one and he just happened to be in the middle.

No wonder he screamed. Silently. Then he used the orange line to get out of the Eleventh division and headed straight home.

Imagining the worst was easy, the worst came with the job. Their long lives were nothing but illusions that could be cut any moment. Get your soul eaten and not only you're dead, but off the wheel as well. Easy. Figuring out what would happen after the worst was close to impossible. His thoroughness backfired. He colored his future pitch black and the poison splashed back into his still fragile present. Some more self-beating and it was clear to him that he only needed Yumichika to keep busy. Yumichika had offered comfort and he shamelessly took it. The most convenient escape for the one so worthless he couldn't even stand up to all this unthinkable shit that had befallen on all of them.

That was the most disgusting line of thought he had in a long while. The conclusion came naturally.

"I hate myself," he said when Yumichika finally showed up. A shadow passed over Yumichika's face only for a moment, then a kind smile settled there. The kind smile was not new, it was reserved for complete idiots like him, but it was the first time he noticed the shadow. He tried to look at himself through Yumichika's eyes and his stomach wrapped into a knot. For a brief moment he wished for a nosebleed.

He deserved to be hit.

"I see," said Yumichika after listening to his confused and heavily edited explanation. "I see," he repeated, then picked up his bag from the floor and changed the subject. "I brought you my stash of Kuchiki's tea. Renji will get us more. Isn't it lovely? I believe in sharing!"

"You believe in extortion..."

Shuuhei sat on the floor waiting for the tea. It had been only five days since Yumichika learned the trick of using kidou to boil the water, and he knew that his presence in the kitchen was still distracting. But he felt uneasy leaving the conversation as is. Was it all Yumichika had to say?

Meanwhile, Yumichika was done. Shuuhei watched him filling the cups with that kind of automatic precision that fit better for pouring sake. It was silly to hope that Yumichika would tell him anything, so there was absolutely no point in asking.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Sex," Yumichika said without losing his tranquil expression.

_Right. Of course._

"Can you ever be serious? Ever?"

Yumichika put his cup aside and rested his head on his hands. "I can tell you. Whether you believe or not is another matter entirely."

"Shoot away." Whatever it was he could take it. He owed Yumichika that much.

"I started by thinking that you are not that annoyingly slow any longer. I mean I still experience severe homicidal urges from time to time, but when you catch up, you look sort of cute. I figured this might be due to your intimate friendship with Fujikujaku. Perhaps, you've noticed..." Yumichika looked away for a moment.

"Uh-uh."

Fujikujaku's blooming had pushed his perception up, and Shuuhei couldn't ignore or deny it. He would curse it at times, while sensing disappointment of others, some brilliant minds went as far as to hold him responsible for not figuring out the whole conspiracy.

"Then I remembered something Fujikujaku had told me a while back. I must admit my zanpakutou has a very peculiar sense of humor. I still have doubts about his complete honesty..."

Yumichika stopped again, studying the cup's pattern. No wonder he was so reluctant. Despite of all the whining about hard times that no one took for a face value anyway, shinigami rarely discussed their relationships with zanpakutou.

"Hmm?"

"Anyway, he implied that you could taste sweet water with your penis... I was making tea and it all sort of connected. So I made a mental note to myself to wait for the right setup for you to disclose it…"

Somehow it made perfect sense to Shuuhei. "I guess, I could wait for the right setup to tell you. But! I'm not dipping anything in that cup, got it?"

He could wait. If Yumichika could spend his last day in Seireitei plotting his moves in the exact same way as he did yesterday, he could trust Yumichika to come back.

"And, now, just to illustrate the catching up point, how would you summarize my thoughts in one word?"

**6.5**

A tight ball of energy launched at him from one of the trees and Yumichika opened his arms to the impact. He never failed to catch his commanding officer when she felt like flying. She would land on Zaraki's back and stick to it, she would use Ikkaku as a trampoline to bounce off further, and Yumichika was to catch and carry her wherever she wished. On a good side, he was not required to cook up a fresh fairy tale any longer.

"You're late," Yachiru complained, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Late? The sunrise was only a couple of hours away. "Of course."

"I wanted to talk."

"Hmm?"

"Why do you want Byakushi, Yumi? I like him!"

"I don't want your Byakushi, sweet pea. Our stupid Renji fell in love with him. He was all right when he was with us, but now when the distance between them has closed, he doesn't handle it too well."

"Oh..." She went silent for a minute. "But Yumi! This is our Renji! We cannot let Byakushi hurt our Renji!"

"That's why our Renji needs a break. We don't want him to lose." Yumichika was also sure there would be plenty of hurt in the process, but Kuchiki was a risk Renji was willing to take, so be it.

"I know what to do! I'll talk to Byakushi! He won't listen to me at first, but I'll beat him until he does."

"Do you want him for yourself that badly?" he teased her.

"Yumi! You told me I was safe! I don't wanna grow up!"

"You still smell like a baby."

"And you smell like…" she sniffed a few times, "Weird."

"See, you're safe."

Yumichika wasn't surprised that Yachiru called his overflowing sexuality weird. He was leaking it the way other shinigami were leaking their emotionally colored reiatsu. Yumichika had never blocked it, filling and modifying the space around him. Confused shinigami were turning their heads when he walked down the Seireitei streets, unsure why they had a sudden urge to watch him. "Do I look like an easy fuck to you?" he snapped a couple of times just to remind the leering solicitors his division number. The guys were easy, but when Kotetsu-fukutaichou made a pass he was at loss of words, but again, the Fourth division had its quirks. The whole city had its quirks.

"I think Byakushi smells a little bit weird lately," Yachiru said after some consideration.

"Really?"

So that's how it went, the dead fish was not all that dead any longer. Yumichika's strategy, perhaps in conjunction with some other unknown forces, started to pay off. Kuchiki Byakuya had ideas, and it was just a matter of time until they turn into actions. This was a very good news indeed, it was just that Yumichika couldn't care less about Renji's problems at the moment.

In Yachiru's room the Eleventh division captain slept soundly on the floor. He was hugging a huge pink crab-shaped pillow and his dream seemed to be sweetly violent. Yumichika tiptoed around him and gently put Yachiru in her own bed. Then he covered Zaraki with a matching spare blanket. His captain never appreciated waking up in the middle of the fight due to some stupid night chill.

"F-fuck off…" muttered Zaraki out of his deep slumber.

And he did.


	7. The Mission

**7. The Mission**

**7.1**

The last few weeks had been tough on Kira. He had spent the time taking great measures not to run into any of his friends. Kira's wall of lies was quite effective against the nice girls with soft voices from the Fourth division, but he suspected he wouldn't be able to fool Hisagi for too long. Perhaps in the beginning, when they both were confused, he might have pulled it off, but not now. It was a miracle he still held his position. Had anyone guessed his true thoughts Kira would have kissed goodbye his career along with the whole Gotei 13. The uncomfortable truth kept bugging him – nothing hurt nearly as much as being left behind. He finally became a bad boy, just as Gin had wanted.

He still could hear Gin in his mind. Nasty. Rotten. Naughty. How he could be so stupid to think these words were meant to tickle? Too late now, Gin had used, poisoned, and discarded him without even bothering to clean after himself. Hinamori was the lucky one to have her feelings considered and Hisagi was the smartest of them all to keep his personal life elsewhere.

Kira looked across the table. Of course.

For Kira, who could see nine smiles of Ichimaru Gin where everyone else saw only one, Hisagi's personal life was written all over his face. For Kira, his friend looked as if he'd spent the last few months in bed, without any silly interruptions for sleep, food, or work. And when Kira factored in the efforts Hisagi was applying to keep the front cool, the real picture run beyond his imagination.

There must have been some truth in what people were saying - the most obnoxious shinigami of the Eleventh could make a paradise, but the seekers of it were thrown in hell for no apparent reason right after getting a glimpse of it. No one could figure out what they had done wrong, and not for the lack of trying. The conversation Kira had overheard not quite accidentally years ago came to his mind. Gin made an elaborate offer and Ayasegawa played an asshole, apologizing for three minutes straight, using the archaic expressions Kira was sure Gin never knew. The insulted smile had been glued to Gin's face for a whole week afterwards.

"I see you've been very busy," Kira said, breaking the silence that was about to become awkward. Hisagi, on the other hand, was too preoccupied to care.

"Eer... You could say that, I guess."

Maybe, just maybe, if Hisagi's mind was wandering elsewhere, visiting an old friend as soon as his new friend was out of the door wasn't his best option, because someone might get offended. Just a thought. Bad boys could be jealous, couldn't they?

"Everyone wants more dirt on taichou, but the way they look at me while asking all those foolish questions is the worst. I guess Ayasegawa's reputation keeps them away from you, huh?"

"Huh? What reputation?"

_What reputation? Is this guy for real?_

"Matsumoto busted you. I didn't believe her, but I believe my own eyes."

"And what do you see?"

"You look so lucky, I feel jealous." Kira bit his lip, admitting being jealous sounded too close to the truth for his comfort.

"Lucky?" Apparently, Hisagi never considered himself lucky. Had he always been that stupid, or it was Ayasegawa's work?

"You look well..." Kira stopped. He couldn't really say the only right word that came to his mind. "You look well," he repeated, but the missing word somehow made it across.

Hisagi coughed, but to Kira's surprise didn't blush at all. "You are basically saying that we've made the headlines."

"Not quite. The general public went along with other reasoning."

The general public wouldn't believe something that ridiculous, besides the general public wanted to trade Gin.

"And what reasoning would it be?"

"Promotion, of course. Matsumoto, Iba, Renji, do you see the pattern here?"

"I see the pattern," managed Hisagi after his tears dried up a little. Kira hoped to see at least some doubts about Yumichika's true intentions, but Hisagi laughed as if he had received a letter. And for all Kira knew, it could've been just that. A message.

Kira was getting messages every other day. Fresh dirt about Gin popped up all the time, the rumors circulated, exposing the web of lies. All he had to do was to match his own bits and pieces against them. Had he gone to Hueco Mundo, he wouldn't have to deal with it.

_How can one believe a trickster? _

"How do you know he is not lying to you?"

Kira still wished he had gone to Hueco Mundo. But it was not too bad as it was. And very soon it would be even better, the girls from the Fourth division, lots and lots smiling girls would whisper sweet nothings to him in his room with soft walls. He'd be free to think about Gin until the day Seireitei falls and then perhaps Gin would take him back or put him out. He wouldn't mind.

_Please, let me go back to the blissful ignorance._

The reality snapped fingers in front of his eyes bringing the world back to focus.

"Do you think there's a way you could start talking?" asked the reality.

Slowly Kira nodded.

**7.2**

For a change their mission sucked from the start. They barely had found the place to stay, and then the things got hairy. Yumichika could safely state that this was the scare of his life. Well, one of them anyway. Upon survival, Ikkaku was forgiven as always, but Yumichika's sleep pattern was disrupted by the nightmares revolving around the lifting of a certain limit or, rather, keeping it firm. Ikkaku was forgiven for these as well. He could forgive Ikkaku anything, but dying. Ikkaku knew about it the same way he knew about nightmares. These so-called modern apartments were built without a privacy concept in mind.

"Stop it, Ikkaku, or I will kiss you." Of all the unbearable things in the world, quiet Ikkaku had no rivals.

Ikkaku had nerve to sneer. "I don't think so."

"Think again. Have I ever failed to follow up on the promise?" Yumichika gave Ikkaku time to recall some of the kissing incidents from the past. "Told you."

He had to kiss Ikkaku anyway and Ikkaku made an effort to act normal. In fact, Ikkaku tried so hard that when Yumichika's dream was about to become nice, it was cut abruptly by a friendly punch. "Looked like a nightmare to me," he was informed.

To Yumichika it looked like Ikkaku was begging for another kiss. On his knees.

Few days later he returned a favor making yet another murder attempt by holding a pillow to Ikkaku's face, because punching would neither shut, nor wake the snoring bastard up.

The only place where he could hide was the bathroom. Baths were so much easier to handle in the living world that he would take advantage at every opportunity. He would just turn the faucet, lock the door, put on the headset, and the circus would cease to exist for an hour.

"You could electrocute yourself!" Keigo tried to warn him.

"You mean my body would've been visibly and irrevocably damaged?" he asked, avoiding the technical term. Who would have thought that the sink was such a wrong place for a stereosystem.

"You'd be dead," the boy said.

_Smart. _

Was he subconsciously trying to ruin his gigai, so he could have an excuse for a short vacation? Honestly?

The school was full of revelations as well. Yumichika watched people as always and felt that the living world presented more wonders than Soul Society. After all, it was called living for a reason.

He was surprised, though, no one was hitting on Matsumoto. Finally, Mizuiru enlightened him, "She already has a boyfriend." Oh, another smart one. "You see, Matsumoto can have any guy she wants. Yet, she is always with that short kid and it's no secret. And they have this bizarre game going on. All the time. She's kinky. Kinky's cool. Matsumoto's cool. So she does what she wants and no one questions that. Besides, no one can offer her anything kinkier anyway. Got it?"

His thought that Matsumoto might have some minor trouble having _him_, but that fine argument was beyond the scope of the discussion. He got it. His initial impression about the living world as an interesting place was far fetched. Maybe it was not the world that mattered.

Following his fancy Yumichika discovered TV and it kept him busy for five days non-stop. On the sixth day he wanted some additional information from Keigo.

"When you watch the news, how do you distinguish what is true and what is not?"

"What do you mean? News is true."

"Oh, I see. I thought so." Yumichika turned the TV off. Keigo gave him a look and said nothing.

Smart and curious. Curious and smart. Perfectly balanced at zero level.

Yumichika swore he would never call Shuu-chan stupid, or silly, or anything of that sort. Never.

To put it mildly his small TV detour wasn't one of his brightest ideas. Watching historical dramas was especially rotten. Yumichika actually started to believe it was humanly possible to die again from laughter. He almost did. No, he couldn't die here, he couldn't get stuck in this horrible place in some helpless ugly baby body with no memories.

_Shuu-chan might get a little upset. _

A cold shower seemed to be the most appropriate way to start the next school day. The effect was just as marginal as Shuu-chan had warned him, but when he run into Renji his gloom evaporated on the spot. Yumichika counted till eleven, fighting the urge to grab the doppelganger, throw him from the school's roof, then squeeze his throat and demand to know what the hell he had done to Renji.

Renji was no longer unhappily, but sweetly in love with his captain. This new Renji didn't even remember he had ever been in love. When Rukia mentioned her brother's name a few times, Renji passed it without noticing. Instead, Renji wouldn't shut up about Urahara. Naturally, Yumichika put his most vague smile on and started listening.

Urahara.

"I have a very bad feeling about this mission, Ikkaku," he said a few days later, making sure no one could hear him, especially Ikkaku.

**7.3**

"I'm very sorry, Hisagi-fukutaichou, you cannot see her," he was told while being redirected through the Forth division. It had been all right to see Himamori in coma, but all the access was cut short within a day after she had woken up. Even Kira, who got lucky to listen to her, looked visibly shocked. Vile whispers about how she'd better stay dead were crawling around like snakes, but Shuuhei refused to follow the lead and label her insane. Even though Hinamori's will to live was almost non-existent.

"It's not advisable, Hisagi-fukutaichou," repeated Kotetsu Isane, throwing an intense glance up as if indicating whose decision it had been. Shuuhei didn't buy it completely. She poured tea for him and he automatically compared it with Yumichika's. No match.

"Besides, what would you tell her?"

That sounded more like her own idea. What could he say? Sure, if it was possible for something exciting to happen to him, a nice girl like Hinamori might be just as lucky someday. It was true, yet it felt so disgustedly phony that he felt ashamed. "Take her out for the octopuses, it would be perfect for the occasion," an annoying voice in his head suggested. "Shut up!" he almost yelled out loud. One couldn't take a girl there and mean nothing by that.

Would he be better off without Yumi-in-his-head talking to him? What would he wish for? A mission to redeem himself? Likely. And he would've ended up going ground as well. He would've been able to stare at Yumi every day, all he wanted, except that both of them wouldn't give a damn about it.

His vision went blurry.

"Are you all right, Hisagi-fukutaichou?" Kotetsu's concerned voice called him from yet another painful _what if _black hole he had fallen into and Shuuhei realized he hadn't been listening. Not a word. He was busy suffering, almost forgetting that by now he could manage the ground mission assault on his mind and get out. No doubts Yumichika would have babbled something offensive and he would have to give him a lecture on proper manners. And perhaps, leveraged to the ground with an armlock, one of them would start to care. "Good boy," Yumi-in-his-head approved his reasoning. "I'm not your dog," he argued silently.

"I'm fine, Kotetsu-fukutaichou," he said, smiling, wondering why he was here in the first place. The answer was presented to him when she dropped her papers and leaned too close picking it up blushing slightly. It finally dawned at him that Kotetsu-fukutaichou was interested.

Fabulous. He was not.

"I'm so clumsy," she said with a shy smile.

"You must be working too much," he played dumb. "You need more rest."

His escape from the Fourth, extensive curses muffled, followed shortly. Kotetsu-fukutaichou was not the first one and that alone was enough to enrage him. Where had they all been all these years? He didn't hold it against anybody, he couldn't care less either, but this sudden burst of interest bothered him. Was it happening because of Yumichika? "She seemed like a nice girl," pointed out Yumi-in-his-head, "and she's taller than you." "Shut up," he whispered, "Please, shut up."

He walked aimlessly until he found himself at the river where they had been doing nothing. The seasons changed, the butterflies were gone, and the color of the leaves floating down the stream was red. He flashstepped to the other side of the river. He would have never fallen, if he hadn't been so relaxed that day. If he could only go back into the moment when Yumichika so effortlessly stopped his blood and do something better than thoughtlessly slapping Yumi with his harsh words.

Shuuhei sat on the bank for a long, long time.

**7.4**

Even though the workflow in the Eleventh division was optimized to perfection, creating a false impression of never-ending vacation, Yumi and Ikkaku's share of work now belonged to Yachiru. Some of the current issues included the inspection of the wall that had been mysteriously destroyed on the night before. She figured it fast - the guys got drunk and cut through to get home using kidou, which would explain sudden memory losses as well. They were so predictable, one could consider them honest for all practical purposes. Yumi had told her that long ago, when they were still trying to make the whole deal with their own division work for them. The case was crystal clear, but the repairs still had to be delegated properly. She jumped to the top of the wall to pickup the signature of the party responsible for the ruins.

The Ninth division lieutenant stood on the other side of the wall. He was telling the ruins they were not lovely. And his imitation, still not as perfect as Baldie's, was not bad at all. Except Yumi wouldn't talk to the walls.

"Hi!" she flashed her shiniest smile, "Eeh... I think I'd better get it repaired before he comes back and calls us dysfunctional again."

Yumi's friend looked slightly embarrassed, but she offered him tea, and he accepted. That was a lucky day.

Yachiru had traded his name out of Ran-chan and then had her own private investigation. The goofy way Yumi looked was enough, but peeking into the expense reports didn't hurt either. Yumi's research appeared to be nice, and the good part was that now she could have Shuu-chan all for herself. How convenient. She took him through the long labyrinth of the division facilities to her small garden.

"Look, it's all mine! I got some trees, and flowers, and rocks, and chimes, and water, and fish, and even frogs. Everything! You like it? You think it's _lovely_?"

"It's _lovely_."

"Yumi had it made for me. He said I should grow up looking at something beautiful, and here it is." She laughed remembering the ingenious schema Yumichika used to build it. "Don't tell anyone, that's our division secret!"

"A division secret? I see." he repeated, blinking. Yachiru found his confusion adorable. No one would expect to find a garden in the middle of the Eleventh, absolutely no one.

"Yumi also taught me to read and write!"

"Really?"

"All of it. Ken-chan never had enough patience, but Yumi would go one kanji at a time until I knew them all. Then he got carried away and... Well, I can read Chinese too. He was curious when _they_'d notice. We stopped waiting long ago."

She could tell that Shuu-chan liked her garden. After the tea, he actually tried to catch a frog in the tiny pond and Yachiru took it as an undeniable proof.

"You gonna eat it?" she asked when he succeeded.

He quickly dropped the frog back into the water. "I don't think so."

"I got Baldie eat live frogs three times," Yachiru boasted. "And he knows everything about gambling. Everything!"

"How about Yumichika?"

Yachiru reduced into giggles. The image of Yumichika eating frogs alive made her happy. Someday she would win for real. Someday she'd come up with a perfect combination and win. And then Yumi would be proud of her, Yumi would be happy for her. Someday.

"He doesn't lose unless it's for tactical advantage. It's so annoying."

"I won one for real, I just don't know how," he said, staring into the water, "I miss his stupid games," he added bluntly and went after a frog again.

Yachiru hid her fists behind her back. "Hey, Shuu-chan, you wanna bet?"

"Let's make some things clear. I'm not eating any frogs."

_Shame._

"You take me out every day for two weeks and call me Yachiru-hime, if I can get you on your back in less than a minute."

"And if you can't?"

"Then it's the other way around."

"Shuuhei-sama sounds nice..."

She was done in ten seconds.

"That was a stupid bet, Yachiru-hime," he said, lying on the grass and watching clouds.

"Ran-chan taught me tons, tons of useful things," Yachiru explained, blocking the view.

"I don't wanna know..."

She laughed for three minutes. He said it just the way Ken-chat would say it. Yumi's research was cute.

**7.5**

What they were doing here? They were supposed to collect intelligence on the enemy and getting played by Urahara was not on anyone's task list. Earlier today Renji had told him about his training for questions buy-one-get-one-free deal with Urahara, and it took Yumichika all the control he could muster not to strangle the redhead idiot on the spot. What had he learned exactly? Urahara got bankai? Really? Splendid. Would you repeat that, please?

Yumichika went to the kitchen to get some water. Some things never changed, no matter where they went, Ikkaku's casino would come along. They needed it more often than not. Silly Ikkaku, the casino had been all around, no need to bring your own.

_The house always wins._

Ikkaku glanced up. "Fuck..."

"Why don't you keep the crap to yourself? You're ruining it for everybody," said Renji.

"Go on without me." Ikkaku dropped his cards on the table and went after Yumichika.

"What the..." Renji flipped Ikkaku's cards over.

"Wow! What kind of guy would let go of the straight flush and just leave?"

The luckiest guy in both worlds dragged Yumichika to the roof.

"What the fuck?"

Yumichika didn't answer. Where should he start? Ikkaku interpreted his silence in his own manner.

"I get it. We're stuck here like a fucking ikebana for two months. I know it sucks. Listen, Yumi, the girls go back and forth all the time. Why don't you take a couple of days off? Go home, get your fix, and come back, or get busy, so you don't have to think about..."

"No, you don't get it!" Yumichika cut Ikakku's speech short. "I'm pissed precisely because I don't have time! I got so deep sorting Urahara's shit, I cannot even have a quiet moment for a sweet fantasy without this slippery bastard showing up in my mind and messing it all up!"

Yumichika stopped, catching his breath, and then continued almost reluctantly, for he knew Ikkaku wouldn't like it. The bigger picture would ruin it all for Ikkaku.

"You might be right, I do need my brains to be fucked out. You're right. But if I go back, this shit, which by the way can start flushing any minute, will follow!"

_And it will be a little bit too crowded._

"You want to hear it? Fine. The short version is that we are being setup up by Urahara to storm Hueco Mundo like we came up with the idea. As soon as he gets us motivation, he's ready to strike. The kids, cross manipulated from the very beginning, will go like one. And you and I will go because this bastard has the right timing and his strategy makes sense. That's it. But. But, Ikkaku, it's still a setup!"

Ikkaku shrugged. "Hueco Mundo? That's real cool. We ain't going."

"What?" This was the opportunity Ikkaku would normally jump to. Even if it was a setup. Especially if it was a setup. Ikkaku would walk right in the middle of a trap and make it explode into million pieces.

"You're stuck on stupid, Yumi. Taichou said we park here. When he says we go, we go. Hell, heaven, home, or Hueco Mundo, same difference. And tell me once again who the fuck is Urahara?"

Ikkaku was right. Same difference, but he was selfish enough to make a wish, marking home as their destination.

Meanwhile Ikkaku gave him a sidelong look. "Now, I really get it. You wouldn't last a day without someone to feed you, make your bed, or blow your... nose."

There was a small grain of truth in Ikkaku's words, the nose blowing part in particular sounded quite appropriate, but his dear friend completely missed another crucial point. It was entirely up to Yumichika to designate the right decision-maker for each job, and his swift judgement never failed. How long did it take him to make up his mind and entrust Ikkaku with his first task, ten seconds? Sure, it was not perfect at first, but Ikkaku was very trainable indeed.

"You know I believe in delegation."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."

Then Ikkaku brought the beer and they watched the sunset. Ikkaku wouldn't let Renji join. "Sorry, pal, it's Yumichika's night out."

Half way through the night it occurred to Yumichika that over the years Ikkaku had also developed a strong belief in delegation.

**7.6**

"Did you think I was glued to Ken-chan?" Yachiru asked him, settling on his shoulder and accurately arranging the folds of her hakama. "I don't exactly enjoy running with my neck twisted backwards, and I like to inflict cognitive dissonance, Shuu-chan." She held a short pause, "In style."

"In style?" he repeated after her, experiencing a strong sense of deja vu.

"I don't care where we're going as long as it's that octopuses place."

That sounded in style, in familiar style. "How do you know about the octopuses place?"

She was willing to share this privileged information on a certain condition.

"Continuing education expense account? He's dead!"

"You promised, Shuu-chan!"

"Who said anything about telling him? The goddamn smartass is _lucky_ he's there!" He sighed, "I won't tell, Yachiru-hime." What could he do? Continuing education did sound sort of funny. Yumi-in-his-head let out a short laugh as well, "What did you expect?"

"And just to make it clear, I'm not dating him!"

Yachiru looked puzzled, "Umm... and what are you doing then?"

"Eh... lot's of things." And he wouldn't list them to Yachiru. No way.

"I see. You're doing lots of things, Yumi's doing a research. That's dating to me!"

_Research? No, not again._

He was still making a list of all the non-dating things that he had been doing, when they run into Iba. Iba stared at them with his mouth open for a few seconds, processing and then grinned in a particularly self-complacent way. It seemed he hadn't subscribed to the promotion theory either. "Hey, man, are you gonna grow bells or feathers on you hair?"

"Well, it's my hair, I can grow anything I want there."

_Got any problems with that?_

"You've found the right place, you've got spikes already, so it will be easy from there. I'm letting you on a secret, they all know everything there is about hair care." Iba looked over his glasses and lowered his voice, "Everything."

"You must be losing it," giggled Yachiru.

"I'm not losing it!"

"We could do you a favor, and help you out."

"You already helped Ikkaku out!"

"He is losing it," Yachiru whispered loudly in Shuuhei's ear.

Naturally, Iba promptly remembered an urgent matter that required his immediate attention. Yumi-in-his-head was amused, "I'll do you hair, if you go through today like a good boy." Nothing pathetic, the real Yumi would lose on purpose to do it. "A promise?"

Shuuhei did his best to go through the rest of the day. Yachiru turned the restaurant upside-down and then fell asleep in the middle of a phrase. He carried her back to the Eleventh where he handed her over to her captain, who was still working.

"Who would've thought you'd be that boring," said Zaraki. "What did she have?"

The words nearly stuck in his throat, "Octopuses and ice cream." Then he placed a box with Yachiru's take-out on the desk.

Zaraki, cracking jokes was a scary idea on its own, but it would have been impossible for Yumichika to serve under his command, if he lacked sense of humor.

"What's that?"

"She ordered it for you."

Zaraki raised a brow, gave him a long look, and Shuuhei felt that every thought in his mind was taken out and examined.

"I see. Let's drink it over."

_Wait a second. Drink what over?  
_


	8. The Payback

**8. The Payback**

**8.1**

"First, you're not moving any furniture around!" Shuuhei's finger pointed right to the spot where his brow feathers were attached, but Yumichika took no notice, his eyes were fixed at the sizable box under Shuuhei's other arm. Food. Yumichika realized he hadn't eaten since yesterday's morning.

"I'm glad you don't really expect me to move it back," he said.

If Shuuhei wanted to move his furniture back the way it was, Yumichika had no objections, but he had a hunch the furniture would stay the way he rearranged it. All four and a half pieces of it. Besides, it was prettier that way.

How had he got into this unappreciated furniture moving business? Well, making the long story short, he was bored out of his mind and Shuuhei wasn't there. One cannot really ignore those annoying hell butterflies that choose to appear in the most inappropriate moments. Therefore, the time that was meant to be spent on greetings was taken by sleep. On top of that, he woke up alone. For a while Yumichika rolled from one side of the futon to the other and back again, choosing the better side. He was out of luck, both sides felt equally attractive. The wardrobe inspection was next. He tried on nearly everything he found there and some things even twice.

Then he was bored again, and maybe little tipsy too.

"And second! You're taking my clothes off! Got it?"

"Splendid. Can we eat first?"

"Oh, right. You must be hungry. I thought you'd be hungry, so I got us food. It's nothing fancy, just a little bit of everything. It's not as good as your division's stuff I'm afraid, but not too bad either. I hope you don't mind, but if you do, I think I can send somebody for a takeout. Why haven't I thought about that before? I thought, I thought… never mind."

Whether Shuu-chan really meant "I've been missing you so much" or "I was scared shitless you might go home", Yumichika wasn't sure, most likely both, and he could bet anything that the list wasn't complete.

"I don't mind," he managed to say at last. "I don't mind at all."

"Right," Shuuhei run his hand through the hair, then asked out of the blue, "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking," he started, realizing that all the thoughts in his head were replaced with a fog, "I'm not all that hungry."

It must have been brain damage. Why else he would they stand, staring like a total idiot, unable to move? On a bright side, he was not suffering alone. On a very bright side, he was not really suffering. "You may stop hugging that box, Shuu-chan."

"Eh... Right."

Yumichika's rational thinking returned by the middle of their late diner. The theory was proved once again, sex deprivation led to cognitive disorders. Fix one and the other will follow naturally. Don't forget to add some fried chicken to speed up the recovery. Yumichika felt getting smarter with each bite he was taking, and the main question that had bothered him while he was away finally popped up.

"When I broke into your office, you were about to throw me out. Why didn't you?"

"That's simple. I didn't want to."

Yumichika tucked his bare feet under Shuuhei's knees to keep them warm and continued, "You've done millions of things you never wanted to do, yet you didn't throw me out."

"Umm… I guess you have a point. Well, on the day before my zanpakutou gave me a lecture. And among other things, he said that I could've easily blocked Fujiiro's attack. So I was sort of curious."

"Fujiiro?"

"That's what he said."

"Fujiiro?" Yumichika put his chopsticks down, "You _do_ know what that means, Shuu-chan?"

"Sure. That's how I figured _they_ had set us up from the start. Pretty clever, huh? Apparently, they have this exclusive zanpakutou club, where they challenge each other. I couldn't squeeze the bet terms out of my zanpakutou, though. It made me question his loyalty somewhat, but in the end I think I managed a nice bargain..."

_What? Am I still dreaming?_

"Who runs the club?"

"Who do you _think_ runs the club?"

"I'm out."

"Thank him for me, would you?"

Like hell he would. Yumichika's inner world looked even brighter when usual, but he took no notice. Fujikujaku was running in circles through the meadow, complaining about Yumichika's lack of compassion and consideration, and Yumichika was chasing after him. Since it was not life-and-death, Fujikujaku could afford wiggling his magnificent tail right in front of Yumichika's nose.

"Fujiiro-chan!"

The peacock froze.

"Explain yourself!"

"Um... Where do I start?"

"I suggest you start from your pet name, Fujiiro-chan!"

**8.2**

The front of Shuuhei's yukata was drenched with blood. The front of Shuuhei's other yukata looked just as ruined. His nose was gushing blood again, and Yumichika in uncontrollable paroxysms of laughter was rolling on the floor. No help from there.

It didn't really matter, Shuuhei could always make some ice. Simple kidou trick and he had a piece of ice to put on his suffering nose.

"Wow," Yumichika stopped laughing. "Where did you get the ice?"

"Ran to the Tenth real quick."

The blood kept dripping and it felt weird not to feel embarrassed about it in someone else's presence. Yumichika finally took pity on him and placed a palm on his forehead. This time Shuuhei didn't make the same mistake, this time he caught and kissed Yumichika's wrist.

"Now I've got blood on my hands." Yumichika sat back on the floor. "Well, show me!"

"Show you what?"

"The ice making, Shuu-chan. The ice making!"

Yumichika had never been to the Academy, Shuuhei remembered, that explained his childish enthusiasm about some extra credit first year kidou. Well, if Yumi wanted to see ice making, he was more than happy to show.

Shuuhei poured some water in a bowl, set it on the floor in front of him and concentrated. Three fast successive strikes and the bowl was filled with ice chips. Yumichika looked like a kid who was taken to a lantern festival for the first time.

"I see! One to break the existing structure, one to apply the change, and the final one is to hold it all together!" Yumichika got a fistful of ice chips and watched them melt. "Interesting. You know, humans eat cayenne peppers to stop the nosebleeds, but I don't know, how it will work for shinigami."

"There is no way I'd bite into a cayenne pepper!"

"I bet, you will," said Yumichika, disappearing into the kitchen. "You don't have to bite into it, silly," he added, when he came back with a bowl of water for his own experiment.

Shuuhei was blinded by the first flash of the brightest white light, then there was another one, and the pieces of the bowl flew like bullets in all directions. Yumichika looked at his hands, then at Shuuhei, assessing the possible injuries.

He found none. "Good."

Green jellylike substance covered the mess on the floor, the walls and even the ceiling, not to mention the innocent bystander and the unsuccessful experimentator alike. Shuuhei wiped some of it from the cheek and tried to figure what it was. It was turning back into dirty water rather fast.

"It's green, because the bowl was green." Yumichika stated an obvious fact. "I see, it's not enough to have just water."

Shuuhei made a mental note to buy more dishes, when Yumichika emerged from the kitchen with another bowl. He threw a few pieces of the first bowl in it and tried again. This time Shuuhei didn't have to touch it to know what it was, and the room suddenly became very warm. Too warm. Was there anything besides sex on Yumichika's mind? Anything?

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Uh-uh."

"Wow."

"I'm good."

"I don't really want to rain on your parade, but you realize, I hope, that the change is not permanent. In ten minutes it will be water and sand again."

They looked at each other sharing the visual of the likely consequences.

"No way," said Yumichika finally and sighed.

"Indeed."

"But still, it's a wonderful gag material!"

"Meaning?"

"I was thinking about replacing taichou's hair styling gel, and I know just the right person for the job."

Shuuhei also knew the only person who would stay alive after a stunt like that. As far as he could tell, she could get away with anything. And Yumichika had certain limitations.

"Well, it's the cleanup time now!"

"Come on, you don't expect your guest..."

Too bad, the expectation song didn't work on him any longer. "What guest? I don't see any."

"I'm wearing your clothes!"

"And that argument supports _my_ point."

He expected pouting, he expected a high drama refusal, but he didn't expect a smug look. That was a sure indication that he had done something right.

"I'll help you. But you'll make me a bath and rub my back for me."

He knew there was a catch somewhere. A lovely one.

**8.3**

"That's just nuts! His damned third seat told me he wouldn't dare to contact his fukutaichou unless we were under attack, or it was an emergency and my name was on his list. As you can guess I was not on that damned list, the only non-captain there was you. Can you get him for me?"

"Sorry, pal, you're not an emergency, and I'm not suicidal. If he doesn't want to be found, he doesn't want to be found. That's simple." Ikkaku didn't move an inch from his usual place on the gallery.

"Damn!" Talking to Hisagi was much easier than talking to Yumichika. At least Renji didn't feel like a complete idiot _all the time_. "And where is Yumichika? The guys told me he'd never even shown up here. I brought him his tea."

Five packs.

"Will you ever learn?"

"Come on, I won two bets out of seven. I just have to try harder and next time..."

"Right, next time you'll get it. I've heard it all," Ikkaku cut him. "You can leave the tea with me, he's busy."

"I know you can always find him."

"What part of 'I'm not suicidal' don't you get?"

Before Renji could find a decent answer, a messenger boy popped up in front of them. "Madarame-san, forgive me for bothering you again, but here is another note from Ayasegawa-san."

Ikkaku cursed, took the note, and read it with his nose wrinkled in disgust. "What am I? Fucking maid?" He turned to the boy, "No means no."

"Ayasegawa-san said Madarame-san would say exactly that. Ayasegawa-san also promised that in that unfortunate case he would do _it_ to Madarame-san in front of Zaraki-taichou and Kusajishi-fukutaichou," recited the boy. "I don't know what _it_ means," he added, turning red, "but Ayasegawa-san looked very determined."

It looked like Madarame-san understood perfectly well what _it_ meant. Renji knew by heart the smooth string of curses that Madarame-san had for his best friend. The boy listened with his mouth open in silent admiration.

"You've got ten minutes, Renji, to write a note to either of them."

"You're telling me they..."

"I'm telling you nothing. You gonna write it or not?"

"I'll pass." There was no way he could write anything about walking in on his taichou jerking off. Renji wasn't even sure he'd dare to tell it, for he really did mind getting killed over _that._ Besides, even if Yumichika dropped whatever he was doing now, Renji had an idea what he'd say: "It's perfectly normal, Renji. Even that dead fish of yours has desires. And you've just missed a nice opportunity to be proactive." Forget it. He glanced at the boy who sat next to him waiting for Ikkaku.

"So, what do you think about Ayasegawa-san?"

The boy jumped to his feet, blushing again. "I... I... don't... Abarai-fukutaichou."

"Come on, he isn't here and I won't bite you." Renji knew that people liked talking about Yumichika, he just didn't understand why.

"Ayasegawa-san has a very commanding personality. He sent me here three times already and every time Madarame-san was getting everything Ayasegawa-san had requested."

"Mmm..."

"We're all very relieved that Ayasegawa-san is not interested in becoming our fukutaichou, though... that is in the future, of course, Abarai-fukutaichou."

"Huh? I wouldn't be so sure, he can always reconsider."

Once the Eleventh, always the Eleventh. That was an evil thing to say, now the boy looked almost scared. How long did it take Yumichika to line the Ninth division up?

"I suppose you could tell me where Ayasegawa-san is?" Renji had to try just for the sake of trying.

"Ayasegawa-san has a very commanding personality, Abarai-fukutaichou," repeated the boy very seriously. "Ayasegawa-san told me _in detail_ what he'd do to me, if I were to disclose his exact current location. I'm very sorry, Abarai-fukutaichou."

"It's useless, man, we can't do shit against his _in detail_ bankai." Ikkaku was back with a box that he handed to the boy. "Tell Ayasegawa-san I hate him very much," he added, placing a tea pack on the top.

"I did it last time, Madarame-san, and Ayasegawa-san said..." the boy paused.

"...the feeling is mutual," finished Renji. The boy nodded, bowed, and was gone. Renji could swear the little brat enjoyed every second of being at Ayasegawa-san's service. They all did.

Ikkaku was grinning, "I think this time Yumi'd come up with something better than spikes and bells. Too bad I won't see it, I could use a good laugh."

Ikkaku's gaze grew dreamy to the point where Renji couldn't stand it. He could never stand this ability to forget about any war the moment the swords were sheathed and the wounds were attended. And, for the record, he absolutely hated when Yumichika would check his nails _before_ sheathing. Damn, they were in the middle of a major war here, and Ikkaku was counting clouds, and Yumichika was… better not even think about it. They unloaded the war troubles on Zaraki and didn't think twice about it.

"Anyway," Ikkaku shrugged. "Come back in a couple of days."

"Too late. I won't be here."

"And where'd you be? Hueco Mundo?"

"Shut up!"

So what, if he was going to Hueco Mundo? Huh?

"What? And the dead fish?"

"He knows..."

**8.4**

A pile of papers occupied his chair and Yumichika presumed it was his inbox. So he sat on the captain's desk. He and Ikkaku had been entertaining their knowledge hungry lieutenant with the tales about the living world since breakfast. He had a short break while Ikkaku was explaining fine details of shinigami self-financing, and then it was his turn again.

"Now tell me about TV, Yumi."

"Well, it works very similar to Aizen's shikai, but it's much more powerful. You see, in the living world people usually cannot use reiatsu, which means, they have to attain power using alternative methods. Consider this..."

The door slammed open and Captain Zaraki filled the opening.

"Where the fuck have you been? Forget it, I don't wanna know," he added quickly.

"I just needed some downtime."

"Downtime?"

"He was with Shuu-chan!" offered ever-helpful Yachiru.

"Shuu-chan? Three days? Who the fuck is Shuu-chan?"

"Ken-chan, you know Shuu-chan!"

"Do I? Ah, you mean that ice cream, cookies, and strawberry shortcake Shuu-chan of yours?"

"Yes, but Ken-chan, you got it all wrong! He's not _mine_ Shuu-chan! He's _Yumichika's_ Shuu-chan."

Yumichika rolled his eyes. They knew perfectly well who Shuu-chan was. They just couldn't resist making fun of him. But strawberry shortcake? Cookies? What the hell was going on here?

"Oh, now I see... Get the fuck off my desk."

"It's not like I'm doing anything on your desk..."

Captain Zaraki stared. And stared.

"It's flat, sure, and smooth too," Yumichika traced the surface up and down with a finger, "but it's hard and cold. In other words, your desk is utterly uninviting."

"Shut up!"

"It's been two months since he didn't do anything on my desk either," added Ikkaku in his most innocent voice, so it wasn't clear whose side he played this time.

"Asshole," said Zaraki.

"Asshole," echoed Ikkaku.

Yumichika reluctantly slid off the desk. "I've done nothing..."

It was entirely their fault. They started first. They really did. Had they not mentioned Shuu-chan, he wouldn't have fueled their desk fantasies. At least, not today.

"Shut up!"

"Whatever," he hissed and went to check the pile on his chair.

Zaraki in his turn checked his drawers. "We've got a transfer request for you."

"I thought we've established that transfer requests get filed directly into that bin," Yumichika responded automatically, meaning the oversized trash can beside the desk. His attention was on the papers in his hands and he didn't like them the slightest. To the restless bureaucratic rats from the First war meant more paperwork.

"Then file it there by yourself!" Zaraki sneered, put another sheet on top of Yumichika's stack, and said, each word emphasized, "I believe in delegation!"

Yumichika read the paper once. He read it twice. The meaning made it across, when he was reading it for the fifth time.

"Bankai? Since when exactly? Fuck! FUCK! FUUUCK! I'm gonna suck him to the last fucking drop!"

Captain Zaraki exchanged glances with his third seat.

"I didn't wanna know that."

"Me neither."

Yachiru pretended she heard nothing.

Yumichika didn't see them, his mind was exploding under the cascade of realizations and at the end he knew one thing only - he lost.

But! No one had to know about it. Right?

--------------------------------The End-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Not quite the end, but the rest of the series will be posted separately, for they can stand alone just fine. The direct sequel is called Piggy Bank. Thank you.


End file.
